i just work here

i hate oprah

but i do agree that you should think about what you ARE thankful for.  this is in reference to her 'gratitude journal' crap. 

i like to complain... A LOT.  but i figure if you're going to allow yourself to complain, you have to recognize what's good as well.

so because i have spent 2 of the 3 days this week crying my eyes out for various, and numerous reasons... i'm going to just talk about what i DO like.

1.  the new book that punchanella is in is out and i just got my copy.  i'm on page 47-49.

2.  i have been on a mad hunt to find these pine cones i had last year that were scented with cinnamon.  i hate 99% of smells since i've been pregnant, assuredly including my god-damned aveda shampure shampoo and conditioner which i usually love and have to use on an every-other-daily basis anyway... so i would have expected to not require the cinnamon pine cones this year, but cinnamon and citrus makes me feel way less nauseous.  i had found them online but they were another not-shipping-to-canada item, but while i was in montreal, my sister found some and got them for me.  this instant, in fact, i am enjoying their presence.  p.s. why does the photo below look like something from a 50's cookbook... you know, over-lit and somehow not the real color...

3.  after 3 months of NOT seeing eli in any kind of real fashion, we are going away together next week.  eli's been studying for his comprehensive exams, WHILE he taught full-time, WHILE he did private jobs, WHILE he TA'd and before that, i was living in the bed sick so we didn't hang out too much then either... it's been awful... for him i'm sure, but for me, i've been completely without him.  next week the college is sending him to a conference in las vegas and i'm tagging along.  so while it's not a romantic getaway, per se (i hate romantic anythings anyway as you may recall), it is guaranteed time together, even if it's only the 6 and a half hours to get there.  las vegas isn't exactly my kind of town, but i have ended up there twice in two years now...  there's almost something you can't look away from there.  like a car crash, only more enjoyable. 

4. the baby is moving!  it has been for a little while now, but it's a nice milestone to get to.  soon it'll be huge and i'll be complaining that it hates my kidneys, but for now, it's a nice little gold-fish sort of deal.  

If I don't see you until mid-december, well... that won't be atypical, but at least you'll know i'm on vacation.  

"I'm taking a vacation from my problems!"

suhhhhhks.

so... last time i was pregnant i would have been like, "look at meeeeeeeee!  i've got a bump!!!!!!!!  i'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!"  but this time i am bummed, not going to lie.  i'm not a cute pregnant... i'm a... giant pregnant.  giant, blotchy, lumpy pregnant.  i know where this is going.

things to note:  early on the mirror was caked in sam tooth-brush spit.  i was too sick to clean it off.  at 14 weeks, i've cleaned the mirror.  so that's good.

well anyway, it's growing.  i have an ultrasound picture, it's pretty cute and everything.  i don't want to venture into eli's "office" to scan it, because it's really... dangerous in there what with all the dr. seuss piles of books and objects.  it looks like sam only black and white.

i'm going to montreal in a couple of weeks.  i accidentally put my name forward for this executive position in the canadian andrology and fertility society and i won... i say accident because i didn't realize i'd have to travel to the meeting on my own dime to be part of it.  well anyway, montreal for 24 hours = $500.00  i have to go by myself, which sucks, but i figure if there's anywhere to find killer maternity jeans, montreal is it.

also, they have good bagels, poutine, croissants, and smoked meat.  yea, THIS is why my ass is so big now.  let's not blame the baby.

my baby didn't exist

today i saw my bebe on ultrasound at my IPS scan.  (s)he is 13 weeks and apparently a few more days than i thought.  (if you click the picture, it'll take you to this adorable website where it compares the size of your baby to a fruit every week).

it has long skinny legs with toes, long skinny arms with fingers, a head with all its face-parts, and a giant belly.  its heart beats and all its body parts move... a lot.  it also dislikes to be smashed by an ultrasound probe.  but all in all, it looks like a tiny person and is intact. 

eli had to teach today, so i brought my mom along in case it was dead or something... i figured i wouldn't want to drive home by myself in that case.  so okay, that seems like a really DRAMATIC statement, i know, but literally how i felt.

i'm not a wacko, but hear me out.  i went to a psychic 2 summers ago.  she was really great and so far, her reading has proved very insightful and interesting.  but she said something to me that i had difficulty wrapping my head around.  she said that she was being told to tell me "don't deny the daughter."  she looked up at me and said she wasn't sure what that meant, and asked if i had a daughter in addition to the son she already knew about.  she thought maybe the daughter wasn't getting enough attention?  i assured here there was no daughter.  she said perhaps it was more "don't deny ENTRY to the daughter," and asked if i was having trouble deciding when or if to have another baby, that she just felt like there was a huge amount of "worry."  well, not really... i knew i was going to have another, and i knew i'd do it closer to the end of my degree.  we left it and moved on.  i mean, i don't live my life by what a psychic says, we only go for fun... but i have to admit i couldn't get THAT out of my head.

i translated this to mean just about everything in the last year.  i took it as hurry up and have a baby.  i took it as a message to not assume my pregnancy was over the first time i started to miscarry.  i thought it was a message about the 2nd pregnancy being viable.  then i thought it was a message to not give up after the miscarriages.  lately, i've been figuring that i would scan positive at my screening test, be told i had a down syndrome baby, and be asked about whether i still wanted to carry to term.  so it was like, 'don't terminate the daughter'... 

i was supposed to do the accompanying blood work for the IPS scan today but felt procrastinate-y, as i usually do about stopping at yet another place on the way home.  i flipping hate errands more than anything, so i put it off.  then i started thinking that maybe i don't want the bloods done anyway.  i don't believe in IPS.  i don't think something with such a high false-positive rate should be a routine screen.  i didn't want to make decisions based on a faulty screen, and i didn't want to risk a miscarriage at 20 weeks on an invasive diagnostic test just to find out for sure.  and THEN what would i do with the information...  i. don't. know.

i told eli this, and he was upset... this was a decision we should make together, he said.  he wanted to have the information, that i hadn't thought about what a life with a trisomy child would be like. 

then i said to him that i was tired of denying this pregnancy, and waiting 7 more weeks for results was too much longer to deny being pregnant... that i had been pretending since august 26th like i wasn't pregnant so that it wouldn't hurt when it didn't work out.  every step of the way when someone mentioned the future... when the baby was here, i would ALWAYS think, "IF the baby gets here"...

then i realized, i HAVE been denying this baby. 

when i thought i was pregnant i was scared that i wouldn't have high enough hCG to show on a pregnancy test...  when the line was dark, dark pink i moved on to thinking that i wouldn't get pregnancy symptoms yet again.  when i wanted to barf my insides out and couldn't wear a bra, then i worried that i would never get a baby with a heartbeat.  when i heard the heartbeat, i thought well... i'll be a late miscarry-er, i'll stop worrying when i see it alive on screen.  today when i saw it doing flips, i thought, i'll admit i'm pregnant when the screen comes back negative.  each step of the way, i've ignored that i was pregnant.  wouldn't think about names, wouldn't think about a nursery, wouldn't think about a layette, or sam as a brother... wouldn't think about anything... because i pretended i WASN'T pregnant.

so maybe that's what the psychic meant.  i told eli i was tired of it... that doing this screening would only be yet another benchmark to get to before i acknowledged i was pregnant.  i'd be 20 weeks by that time.  20 weeks is a long time to hate and deny what's going on. 

he finally agreed we didn't need to screen.

i went out and bought a baby book.  so far i only care about girl names.  any suggestions?

winners and losers

well, i'm clearly the loser, because i told you the winner of the punchanella giveaway would be announced on SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26TH, which ISN'T a real day.  but today is the 26th... which is what i meant.

so...  the winner, as determined by random.org (a random number generator) is...  FAN NUMBER 28, Maira, who's full name i won't announce just so you don't be chasing her or anything.  but i'm sending her a message via facebook to let her know about her win.  :)

thanks to everyone who fanned!  fanning a big business is one thing, but you have to know that small business owners, etsy shop-keepers, crafters, artists... we're real actual people who truly do appreciate your support.

i'll be doing MORE giveaways, so keep yourself glued.

thanks again!

i'm 11w 5d... i've yet to have a proper prenantal appointment.  sure, i met with my GP at 5 weeks and got my diclectin prescription as i mentioned... but since then, no one.

i was wrestling with the decision between a midwife or an OB, and i said i was going to see the midwife once, to see how i felt.

i was supposed to go to her around 8 weeks, but i canceled my appointment.  then the midwife canceled my re-book and TODAY was my appointment, finally.

couldn't have come at a better time, because i woke up this morning and found i was bleeding.  home alone, as one would expect when they're TERRIFIED.  i wanted to curl right back up and cancel anything that had me leaving the house.  having the midwife appointment... didn't make me feel any better.  i knew what a miscarriage started like, and here i was again, bleeding and cramping.

i drove 40 minutes to my appointment in tears.  partly because i did NOT go through these last 12 weeks for nothing, but mostly because i couldn't stand to have to tell sam we had lost it again. 

i got there and it was a VERY long appointment.  she was so sweet and happy and joyful and i must have looked like a wretched bitch.  but all her talk about 'when the baby's born' and 'closer to delivery' and bla bla bla was breaking my heart.  i didn't have the heart to tell her yet that i didn't think i'd GET to delivery.

at 12 weeks... i can't miscarry at home like i did the last two times.  that would call for medical intervention. 

i finally got to the point where i could tell her i'd been bleeding today, and she asked if i wanted to try the doppler out right away instead of continuing.  what a novel idea, to immediately address the patient's concerns, eh?  i said no, i would wait... the next few minutes weren't going to CHANGE anything, and i guess i was putting off the bad news, to be quite honest.

finally, it was doppler time.  she put the probe on my belly and found my heartbeat.  then she wiggled around, and again found my heartbeat.  i started to think i needed to stop circulating so it would be QUIET in there for a minute, damn it.  she moved some more... again my heartbeat. then she cross-referenced with my pulse in my wrist to confirm it WAS my heartbeat.  i started to feel terrified.  truly terrified.  i could have lost it at 8 or 9 weeks and never have known.  a few minutes had gone by, and NO baby heartbeat.  she looked at me and said, "don't worry, i'm confident i'll find the heartbeat."  i thought, yea WHATEVER.  this is happening.

after a few more minutes i was ready to cry and tell her to stop... and then... there it was.  i covered my face and squinched it up all funny, just i don't know... happy, frustrated, relieved.  she put it back so i could hear some more.  it's a nice little heartbeat... i could hear both of ours together.  i'm not into sentimental greeting card garbage, but i did love to hear us both.

so it's in there, it's living and beating.

i'm still going for an ultrasound next week to confirm everything's alright, but internet resources say once you've seen/heard the heartbeat, there's a 97% of it surviving.

hearing the heartbeat didn't mean a huge amount to me with sam.  it was neat, but i didn't need that to feel sweet about being pregnant.  this go around, however, i've been secretly wishing i wasn't pregnant anymore, and i can't say i have ANY positive memories thus far... just really, really bad times.  but suddenly this time after finally getting the confirmation that he/she is alive, i want to go buy PINK DRESSES and pink blankets, and sparkly items.  but clearly, it's not time for that yet. 

so far, i have to say that the midwife appointment was an AMAZING experience.  listen, i'm not one to need a lot of information or facts.  i don't need someone to make decisions for me about my prenatal or postnatal care.  i know just about enough about pregnancy and development.  i've had a baby, and i'm a reproductive biologist.  what i needed was someone to spend a couple of minutes with me, look me in the eyes, be genuinely happy for me when we finally found the heartbeat, and to help me up off the table.  my friends, these are things an OB could do... but they don't.  i'm so pleased to be under the care of a practice of midwives... best random thought i've EVER had. 

come see me

aaaaaalllllllllllllright.

i have FINALLY broken down and created a punchanella facebook fan page.  i didn't want to do it, but i did it.  the link to the facebook page can also be found at the BOTTOM LEFT HAND corner of my blog.

i am going to hold a giveaway to one lucky winner who fans punchanella on facebook.

so here's my deal:

you fan me, you are entered to win my giveaway.  my giveaway?

a brush roll, pocket pouch combo. 

 


so anyway, recap:

fan punchanella on facebook, entered to win brush roll/pocket pouch combo.

i will CHOOSE A WINNER AT RANDOM ON...   SUNDAY OCTOBER 26TH.  that's one week.

the falconer

oh my good god, balloon boy.  i was watching obama talking in new orleans when all of a sudden THIS came up on the screen.  a 6 year-old boy in a flying saucer balloon.  i know!

i don't meant to sound like a bitch, but the TV anchor announced that his parents called the police and then immediately called the news network and i figured a) the kid wasn't in there and b) it was a publicity stunt.

as time went on, they announced that the father was an amateur scientist (which i'm sure you can imagine annoyed the fuck out of me, a real scientist) and that they'd been on wifeswap (which means they were already extremely not the same as normal people) and i was convinced that the kid wasn't in the balloon and that it was a stunt.

where was falcon (wtf?)?  here.

i watched the balloon fly in the air, up to i think they said 11,000 feet and back for 2 hours (okay,i fell asleep twice, FINE). 

i don't have any way to end this.  i just felt like i should admit that i watched the balloon for 2 hours, and i'm sorry.

i have swine flu (i don't).

but i am getting myself all worked up as though i DO.

my husband and my brother-in-law were (are-ish) both sick with flu-like symptoms which i assume is H1N1, because i watch daytime TV, and the fear-mongering TV segments told me so.

i have a sore throat, and chills... and general bad stomach feelings which i have had since 3w 6d of pregnancy, so i am willing to omit those from my list of symptoms.  however, i still feel that i am going to be a) hospitalized and b) risking my pregnancy.

last time i was pregnant, SARS was all the rage.  i had occasion to visit the ER (thought amniotic fluid was leaking out) and had to do so unaccompanied because even HUSBANDS weren't allowed into the hospital.  i'm willing to admit that the general health hysteria level is lower this pregnancy 'round... but H1N1 is getting people all aroused regardless.

i don't think i'll get any flu vaccines, H1N1 vaccine included.  i never have.  i generally have high resistance to illness... figured i would while i was pregnant as well.  i'm surprised to be sick at all.  maybe i'll wake up in the morning, and all will be new and not sick.  maybe the air is just dry!  (my mom taught me how to rationalize to the point of whatever outcome you are either hoping for, or most afraid of... explanations in the intermediate are not generally thought of... either you're dying, or you're not even sick at all.  please remember to go back and forth between the two.  thanks mom!)

sam's doing pretty well at 1st grade.  he's not complaining that he has to 'learn' too much like he did last year.  he does mention that the bus "keeps [him] rushin'!" and he cannot understand why he's not allowed to talk during class ("we can't even talk until recess, mommy... and recess is SHORT!").  sam comes from a line of chatties.  i was forever in trouble for talking in class.  my seat moved in science (a class i LIKED) over 15 times (there were only like 20 desks).  it soon became apparent to my science teacher (who's name i forget but she looked hippo-ish on account of very rounded, firm yet fleshy features) that i was going to talk to WHOEVER she put me next to AND get all A's on the tests/assignments anyway.  her solution was to move me to another room.  i couldn't talk, but i also couldn't LEARN.  wtf.  anyway... my mother before me had 'chatterbox' scrawled over report cards and so i'm not surprised that sam can't shut the hell up while the teacher is talking.  the poor dear.  he's learning lots of french.  so far every time i ask him 'comment ce va?' he replies with comme ci comme ca.  at first i thought he just didn't know about being tres bien or mal even, but upon further questioning, i have found that sam is just comme ci comme ca to a fault.  he really is a little this and a little that, both bad and good.  i don't know if that's just higher order thinking, or if he's a little depressed at 6. 

eli and i went to a football game this weekend at Ford Field.  i'm not particularly into sports, but i do enjoy football as far as sports go, and i like spectacles so i got us tickets.  it was pretty great, actually.

last night i had a dream that i started using hospital equipment (without authorization) to get a look at my baby.  what happened was that i couldn't hear a heartbeat.  this is probably because i was using an ultrasound machine as though it was a doppler, but that didn't occur to me in my dream.  at any rate, i've begun in the last 2 days to be scared about losing this pregnancy.  okay, scared again... i was terrified at the beginning.  once i got past the miscarriage weeks (5 and 6) i was too sick to care WHAT happened.  now the baby is the size of a lipstick tube and has fingernails so it's a thing, and i don't want to lose it.  i don't want it in there destroying my life either, but i don't want to lose it.  i also have dreams about car crashes and a muslim woman cleaning up her baby off the street.  that was pretty graphic/horrific.  weird dreams are part of pregnancy.  also, you CAN scream in your dreams... but you will sound very unfortunate and spazzy and so it's best to not yell lest your husband laugh at the way you screamed for him.  eli didn't laugh, but if he were meaner, he would impersonate that yell.

so eli has finally, after nearly 5 years of trying, become a full faculty member at the college he teaches at.  eli is a bum, but he's an amazing teacher. ;)  i never knew that would be his best gift, but it really is.  the college had him teaching as a sessional, partial load, or part-time instructor for the last 5 years.  in that time, 4 full time positions have been advertised and eli has been interviewed for them 3 times.  but finally, they have given him the job.  i suppose it's because eli is the youngest faculty member by a stretch and the dean seems a tad... traditional.  but hard work pays off finally i suppose.  we're very pleased that one of us has hit the mark finally.  all the schooling, all the tuition, all the time spent DOES lead to what you wanted in the first place.  there's no more panic talks about moving to oklahoma or utah (don't ask), no more wondering how much more credit card debt we can take to get through a summer with no pay, and no more wishing the college would just hire him.  and more than that... eli gets personal satisfaction.

i have a lot of things i need to mail.  i'm not great at getting envelopes or stamps.  i usually steal stamps off of letters that have been sent to me but that weren't post-marked.  awesome trick, i KNOW!  but on the last package that came to my house, the stamps were taped over with packing tape (you know who you are) and as such, i have to go out and BUY them.  this shit is never getting mailed, i know how i am.

hope you had a great thanksgiving if you're in canada.  columbus day i'm not so sure about (genocide anyone?), but i hope your weekend was nice too.

i got out of bed

and made something...

it's the jewelry roll JR.  it's smaller, as you would imagine by the name. 

that is all.

morning sickness: not cute

no idea who this woman is... be she clearly gets it.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

this has truly been hell.  no one gives a shit when you say that you're experiencing really bad morning sickness.  you get a range of comments from 'that's a good sign' to 'try exercising'  THAAANKS.

it's 24 hours a day, and it's debilitating.  i don't go out anywhere, i don't get any work done.  i don't see my friends and family, i can't have sex.  i can't play with sam, i can't take care of the dog.  i can't cook, i can't clean... i can't even sleep.

every time i think i'm turning a corner, it gets worse.  i suppose that makes sense, given the fact that the hormones increase every day... but seriously, i need a break.

as if the nausea isn't bad enough, the depression it causes is killing me.  i feel so isolated and so alone.  so useless and UGLY because my hair is a rat's nest and i've been wearing the same pants for 3 weeks. that's right... 3 weeks.  i change my underwear and shirt though...

daytime TV is making me want to blow up humanity.  are they serious?  how many options for your baby's daddy WERE there?  and i really don't give a shit about beauty secrets or relationship tips.   the only good thing on TV is Trailer Park Boys and that's only on for 1 hour a day.

alright, it's really selfish, but i am regretting this a little bit.  i'm just so depressed. 

8 1/2 weeks... so basically between 4 to10 weeks left of this shit.  I HAVE NO CHOICE, I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND BE ON THE EDGE OF BARFING 24 HOURS A DAY... so might as well stop bitching about it, eh?

well... whatever you're doing, you're feeling better than i am.  rest assured.