you might not think it to look at him, but samuel is a very logical child. he doesn't accept "magic" as any kind of explanation for ANYTHING, but particularly for the production of babies.
as you may or may not know, i am an embryologist at an infertility clinic when i'm not on a lab bench working with mouse embryos so that i can one day graduate and not be a student anymore and have some kind of regular life where i can get loans for houses and buy things. woah... that was off topic.
anyway, what i'm saying is that it pains me to give sam a garbage explanation for where babies come from, but i realize it's a neccessity.
one day quite innocently, i said that he was a big baby, and he said, i must have been a big egg! most parents would say 'how cute' and agree with their child, but i really couldn't stand to have him thinking i had some kind of cloaca and that he lived on a yolk and pecked his way out. i couldn't! but he was sort of right and so i said, well, you did hatch, before you implanted. i figured he'd be like, 'whatevs. hey look at that log!' but he didn't. since 'magic' wasn't doing the trick, i said that there was an egg and a sperm, and the mom had one and the pop had the other and really that's how babies got made. end of conversation.
a little while later sam wanted to know why he didn't have brown skin. i explained a little bit about heritable traits and such figuring again that he'd go, "kay, i want more yogurt, please". instead he stored that bit of information and again asked about the egg/sperm part. i didn't explain logistics, once again, but just restated the bit about the mom and the pop both having a part that made the baby.
when my parents were babysitting, sam was watching noah (male dog) walking in front of him and asked what those "pink things" were. they were testicles, but my mom tried calling them "boy parts". sam wanted to know if he had boy parts, and what boy parts were called, and what they did. long story short, although my mother tried "ask your mother, she knows" in the end Sam learned about testicles, sperm, and sperm acting as a "seed" for the egg.
so sam says to me in the car on friday morning:
"mom, i can't wait to sperm babies."
"uh, what? (giggles)" i asked?
"mommy don't laugh, that's what they do! papa spermed me!" he said this with a real sense of irritation at my laughing.
part of me was proud that he was learning about gametes and embryos, my favorite things. part of me was offended that he had such a male-centric view of the whole thing, but either way i just wanted the conversation to go away so i replied with, "yes... yes you're right. uh you have to be an adult to do that, so don't worry about it for a while".
END of conversation! YESSSSSSSSSS.
few minutes later:
"mom, how does the sperm get in the mommy's belly?"
*ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* realizing i needed to lie here.
"it uh, magic.(*that won't work, sarah, gahd!*) er, you just get really close and i don't know, it happens"
"so, do you swallow the seeds? that would get it in your belly"
*oh god, he's going to talk about swallowing sperm at school and then i'm in jail!*
"no sam, no no, that doesn't work"
"because it tastes bad?"
"SAM, you know things that other kids don't, and i need you to promise that you won't tell your friends about sperm and eggs okay? and it just gets in the belly not by swallowing, it's MAGIC. PLEASE promise me you won't tell anyone about this?"
"yea, i know things because I am bigger than the other kids, right mommy?"
"sam, you're all 5 years old. just, don't say anything"
WHAT. HAVE. I. DONE.