so, the last few days i've been wanting to write something, but i can't figure out what to say.
sometimes i wanted to discuss the specifics of this miscarriage, like how it all went down physically. but that seemed so crass. i didn't know WHAT to expect when i found out i would miscarry though and every description of what to expect is so medical in in nature.
"you may experience light cramping to more intense cramping" or "bleeding can last for up to 2 weeks".
wellllll, how long will the 'cramping' last for? the answer is a couple of days and 'cramping' is actually 'contracting', so why they call it cramps, as though it will feel sort of like a period is beyond me. i was employing breathing techniques to get through them, and that lasted for 2 and a half days.
and what do they mean 'bleeding'? do you mean spots or do you mean pouring out of me in a stream? the answer is both. and p.s. is it going to come out of me, and am i going to see it, and um, what do i do about that if i do? i'm pretty sure mine ended up on a pad in an applebee's bathroom on saturday afternoon. i wish someone had told me i might see some sac/placental material, because i would have stayed the hell home. i remember walking in the mall realizing that something other than liquid was evacuating... i don't know. this is why i didn't write it, it's crass... but i was more offended and hurt because i didn't realize it would go down like that. maybe someone could have mentioned it as a possibility.
i hate pads, with a PASSION. and now i REALLY hate them.
yes, it's good that i miscarried early in my pregnancy, but i'd really like to stop hearing (and saying myself) that i'm 'lucky'. i get it... the later it happened, the more physical and mental trauma i was going to face... but i didn't win the lottery here, i lost a baby. it's all about definitions... that was my BABY, whether it was in the process of neurulating or myelinating. (incidentally, neurulation occurs in early 1st trimester, myelination occurs 3rd trimester). to ME, it was my baby... baby baby baby. i didn't win the lottery. i'm not lucky or fortunate, i'm sad. and i want permission to feel like it was a hit even though you don't define it as a baby until it has a recognizable face.
silent loss. don't tell anyone you're pregnant until the 2nd trimester lest you lose it. keep your miscarriage history to yourself. why? people told me they were sorry about our loss. people told me it's normal and there was something just not right with the pregnancy. i totally appreciate the sentiment, i really do... but the only thing that brought me COMFORT was when women told me about their miscarriages. not because i want them to have suffered, but because i suddenly wasn't alone.
and i get it that this is the least pain one can have when they lose a pregnancy or, gasp, a child. a beautiful little girl that made it almost 2 years past her severely premature birth suddenly died without warning last week. some pair of parents are preparing for a funeral of a baby girl that a week prior, they had been taking to the park. okay? so i don't want to belabor the thing. it's a miscarriage, and it's normal.
my advisor said something to me that took me a few minutes to process. a few hours, really. she said that humans aren't all that successful at reproduction. she's totally right. we're not a terribly fecund species, really. this is BOUND to happen to millions of women every year.
i'm not going to blame myself anymore. i'm not going to obsess over the fact that in january i had teeth x-rays and the hygienist forgot to put the lead apron on me. i'm going to stop thinking that i was too stressed to carry a baby, or that my endometriosis makes my uterus too gross to hold a baby in it. i didn't drink too much coffee and i didn't have sex 2 days too late to have a good egg.
the worst thing to be left with? the memories of what happened... they probably don't go anywhere judging by what i've heard. and the fear that it will happen again. it's ALMOST incapacitating.
i guess i'm in a weird place. i feel sad. so sad. but mostly i feel... busy. like if i keep busy and be proactive and take control of my emotions that it'll be manageable. so if i sound irreverent, or angry, or sharp, i'm sorry. i use anger to deal with pretty much everything.
