i just work here

what if this leads to drug abuse in the future?

sam is just one of those people that keeps their emotions hidden, and this has been learning experience for me, to say the least.

i'm a leo.  i'm a leo and i'm a female.  i'm a leo who's a female and i'm part sicilian.  so when i am feeling something, YOUKNOWIT.

i married an aquarian, who is a man, who is part english.  it's a serious case of worlds colliding, let me assure you.

i suppose if our marriage were a silent movie, it would look a lot like some crazy woman yelling and thrashing around her arms, standing up and stomping, leaving the room only to come back 3 seconds later for a second round (sort of like some mental paso doble dance), while the male character was slightly more animated than bernie from weekend at bernie's when no one was walking him around.

it would be one thing if eli didn't show exact emtions, but transferred them to a secondary emotion or task... like anger, or furious cleaning (that's my sister), or drinking... WHATEVER.  i'm so clueless as to how to interact with him sometimes... he hides all the feedback.  we deal with it, but it wasn't easy to do so.

i really had visions of us procreating and making another little part-sicilian sidekick.  i figured we'd put our feelings on the table and move on... but i now realize that sam is more like eli than i had imagined or was prepared for.

when i was pregnant the first time this early spring, we told sam right away.  i know, i know... but i had no reason not to, in my mind.  he was hoping for a sibling and there was no a priori reason to think my pregnancy wouldn't go to term (except for that nagging feeling but i ignored that thinking was insane).  he was... um... happy?  he said the right words, but seemed more interested in cartoons or what we were doing after dinner.  so when 2 weeks later, i lost the baby i thought it would suffice to say that god had changed his mind and would send us a baby later on.  it did... surficially, but i later found out that he had drawn pictures of both me pregnant, and the baby itself just that day at school and had given them to my sister (his auntie) to tuck away until god sent us another one.  he was a shit-head the whole weekend, and it finally occurred to me... sam is NOT okay, sam is NOT feeling indifferent about this loss, sam cannot show his emotions.

he's always like that, now that i look at it.  he never cries when he's hurt (unless something is ripped off of him, broken open, or chipped off).  he won't dance in front of anyone other than family.  he won't sing the words to songs out loud, only mouth them.  when "water comes out of [his] eyes" he turns away so no one can see it.  forget trying to comfort him when a sad part of the movie makes the water come out of his eyes, he'll respond immediately to say, 'i'm NOT sad." 

it's disheartening to me.  you'd think someone so wholly loveable, adorable, and interesting would be uninhibited.  i thought eli was like that because he lacked enough people telling him how much he mattered, but perhaps, based on the fact that sam has a team of cheerleaders on hand at any moment, no matter what eli had, he'd still be the same. 

we went to look at dogs at a breeder's house.  sam could give a shit about the dogs, but ran outside to play with her two little girls instead.  when we told him we were picking up our puppy on a wednesday, he barely responded.  when we told him we changed our minds and were waiting on a puppy, he had little to no reaction.  but i found the picture of the glitter heart with hearts radiating off of it, and the puppy inside posted above our bed.  this is significant, because sam has drawn a picture of the person and their name and taped it above their spot in my bed for all three of us.  puppy's drawing was just next to sam.  fuck... i am a shit-ass mother.  anyway, he must have had feelings about it, but i'd never know.

how am i supposed to parent a child i am so TERRIBLE at understanding?  i can't comfort him and i can't ignore him.  what do i do?  what about when he's older?  i want him to communicate with me.

not so much a time

also, i thought i'd add in this little gem... a friend showed this to us last weekend at a BBQ.  some canadiana for you.  or not really canadiana so much as newfie-ana... (that's newfoundland for everyone that doesn't know).  and also "newfie" isn't a nice thing to say...

actually 99% of you won't find this funny, but leashy, enjoy.

what the effing crap. that angel guy just felt me up.

i just totally stole this link from flotsam... because you have to see it.  i was crying and slapping eli.

this is for all, but specifically for my so pauvre. 

trashiest learning experience ever

the other day, sam and i were walking into the closest walmart (there are about 67 walmarts in our city... which equates to roughly one walmart per 2,300 people.  what is wrong with society!?).  i know... i try not to frequent walmart for SO many reasons, but there was something walmart-specific i needed, can't remember what it was...  honestly, sometimes WALMART is the only store in canada to carry certain easily-obtainaed items from the states.  it's not a choice really.  ANYWAY.

sam and i were walking in from the car.  he was messing around with his butt.  i suppose anyone with a little boy can tell you that it happens from time to time (daily) that they'll be messing with their butt-area.  butts are just SO funny, it's hilarious when butts are talking, farting, being shown or any occassion, really, which allows for talk of the butt.  butts butts butts.  ugh. 

so i said to him, 'what. are. you. doing. stop.'  to which he replied 'my underware is stuck... in my butt... it's stuck...'  all the while digging.  i said 'that's called a wedge.' 

well, he wanted to know WHY it was called a wedge, so i explained why (i'm not explaining it here to you, if you want to know, email me privately).  then i looked up and realized, hey... you're explaining wedgies to a kid on the way into a walmart... how fancy is your life!?!?!

:(

creatures in robes with ears throwing live books

sometimes i decide i need to read fiction or i'll die.  it stems from the fact that otherwise everything i read contains an abstract and small symbols next to the authors' names indicating affiliation, and damnit if that doesn't make me feel crazy.  also, i'm REALLY sick of the word caveat. 

i've explained to you how i buy books before... and my new method truly isn't any different, but it sounds better than, "i only buy books that are less than $3.00."

i was reading real simple, and i think it was an article about how to not spend money on things or something.  in general, i skip over articles like that, because spending money is SO lovely, but it contained website listings and i love websites.  their point was that you could read books for free, so i tuned in.  bookmooch was the first one i could find that included canada.  you know, it's interesting how canada is literally just that dark grey land at the top of the US.  seriously, WE'RE HERE.  we bore neil young and john candy and have you tried our beer?  include us.  :|

anyway, bookmooch.  i entered in the ISBN's of books i had laying around.  so i should mention that i have a seriously hard time throwing out books or giving them away.  even the shitty ones (the ledge, i'm looking at you here).  but i thought if it were in favor of getting free books, then maybe it was okay.  suffice to say, NO ONE has asked to mooch that peice of crap. anyway, i picked those that i could part with, and entered in their ISBN's... like i said 28 words ago (sheesh!  sorry about that).  immediately i had requests to send them to people, and in return, i got credits and started asking for books from other moochers.

so i recently got the corrections in the mail.  oh god, you know what i just realized when i searched for a link for that book, it's an oprah's pick (i hate oprah, i can't explain it really).  i wish she had never done that book club thing.  at first i didn't find it offensive, she was picking books that i didn't hold near and dear to my heart... but then she went and picked one hundred years of solitude... horriful.  that's one of my favorite books.  well, the first 3/4 anyway, i can never get to the end because it makes me a little scared and everyone knows i am deathly afraid of being afraid (concerts and horror films, i'm looking at you now).  concerts?  ask so pauvre. 

anyway, where was i (i get SO off-track).  oh yes, the corrections by jonathan franzen.  i've just started it, i'm about 75 pages in.  at first i was really quite intrigued... because the characters were quite interesting and the situation seemed interesting enough and we were spared lengthy descriptions of the room decor and beading on the dresses (jane austen, i'm look over to you now).  so far as i can tell, it's about a family from the midwest, an aging pair of parents, 3 children, one of whom has become a self-indulgent assface.  that's where i started to feel frustrated.  i don't have any issues with graphic detail, even if it is just to titillate... but honestly, i get to thinking male authors have a simple interest in fantasizing while we read it.  anyway... i'll let you know how it shakes out.

so, i guess my point is check out bookmooch.  it's fuh-free.  well, you have to send books to get them, so it costs you postage, but other than that.  :)

you're using a joke to make a serious point: late term abortion

Late-term abortions.  It's the newest thing to fight about, it seems.

My sister called my cell one day to say that she had seen a billboard in town that asserted that the law allows women to abort their pregnancies up until the end, and "is that true?"  yes, it's true...

Can you IMAGINE killing your baby after 4 months of pregnancy?  Can you IMAGINE having a bump and having it forcibly removed resulting in its death?  ME NEITHER.  But you know what?  That's just the point, no one can. 

So when I hear the argument from anti-abortionists that late-term abortion is going TOO FAR, I wonder who in the hell they think is just running around busy and forgetting that they meant to kill their baby before 20 weeks, and later opting for the late-term abortion. 

This woman doesn't exist, but somehow she's become the mascot for anti-abortion.  I keep telling people, women aborting that late in pregnancy, they WANTED their babies, they don't want to have to abort them.  But there's that woman, aborting a perfectly lovely fetus so late in the game.

My only exposure to late-term abortion comes from a masters project I worked on a few years ago.  We were looking at the development of the human fetal pancreas and that meant we needed human fetal pancrati.  Awful time in my life... filled with sadness and uncomfortableness.  I was afraid, I don't agree with abortion.  I'm not against abortion, because I think it always has and always will be performed whether legal or not, and you're just putting women at risk to force them to do that.  Personally, I can't see stomaching an abortion, but I've never been placed in a position where I had to think about it, thankfully.  Who knows what I would choose in a different circumstance.  At any rate, it's not for me to choose for other women... but that's not the point of this... I simply wanted to make known my personal stance on the thing... I'm anti-abortion in the sense that I think it's such a shame and I wish it didn't happen, but I'm pro-abortion because it's not for me to choose and I can't judge the situation any other woman is in. What I learned, though, is that rather than feeling sad because I don't love abortions... I felt sad because those women didn't either.  They wanted their babies.

If you lose your baby before 20 weeks, it's considered a miscarriage.  If you lose it after 20 weeks, that's a stillbirth.  Similarly, regular old "abortion" refers to termination of pregnancy before 20 weeks, and late-term abortions occur after 20 weeks.

In Canada, 90% of abortions are performed before 12 weeks.  And in fact, of the remaining 10% of abortions, 9.6% are performed before the cut off... before 20 weeks.  So only 0.4% of abortions occur past 20 weeks and are therefore late-term abortions.  We're talking about a very, very small proportion of total abortions (woah, I got all Jesse Jackson there!).  Even if this hypothetical evil baby-killing bitch existed, she's accounting for less than half a percent of abortion as a whole.

But clearly, for every 1,000 abortions, 4 of them are late-term... which means they are happening no matter how small the percentage may seem.  So who is she then, that stupid whore...

Consider these groups:

1.  Amniocentesis is a very useful tool in determining the health and viability of any unborn child.  This test is performed AFTER 20 weeks and is not routine.  It is offered to high-risk women or to those who after having undergone a standard ultrasound around the half-way mark come away not with the knowledge of whether it had a penis or not, but that it is growing abnormally or shows signs of defects.  After an "amnio" is performed, you can get a very accurate picture of what is going on with the baby chromosomally.  If your baby has an abnormality, it is at this point that you can choose to terminate the pregnancy.  Here is an example of an honest-to-god woman's post on a pregnancy loss board.  If you want the link I will provide it to you if you ask, but in order that her pain NOT be clicked on for your parousal, I will simply copy and paste her sentiments...

"I figured this could have a thread of it's own. They phoned today with the genetics results today. I wasn't sure what to expect. It's Trisomy 13. I was shocked, and saddened. It's a rare genetic mix up where baby gets three #13 chromosomes. It results in many greatly terrible defects, both physical and mental. The head may be deformed, limbs deformed, heart, brain and urinary problems. Many of these babies miscarry in the 2nd term I've learned. Many go on to birth, 80% won't live through the first day.

It's an answer. The only other choice was a detrimental renal problem, as all they saw physically was an enlarged bladder. The woman told me today that the other issues are going to come for certain, they just aren't able to see them yet.

I suppose on one hand it's good. We have an answer and don't need to wait any longer. We are going to terminate as soon as possible. Not for lack of love of baby but for the health of baby and mom. I'm sickened by it all. They say it's just a genetic mix up, baby just picked up three chromosomes instead of two. There is an extremely rare chance that either of us are carriers of it and it "shouldn't" happen again. It's a 1 in 4,000 occurance, so I have no faith in things that should and shouldn't happen. I'm just snarky about that right now though.

We also went to meet with our priest tonight and he gave the baby last rights and anointed both me and my partner. He was very compassionate and helpful. We named the baby and are confident that Mother Mary will soon take over the care taking of our baby. He said that we need to do three things as parents. Take care of the body, mind and spirit. We can't do anything about the body or mind right now, but we can take care of babies spirit, and we have done that. I feel good about going and would recommend anyone else to do just that as well if they feel intended.

Funny enough, I learned that it was a little boy. I was so sure it was a girl.

I'm fearful for the procedure I need to go through but have faith now that we are making the right decision for the right reasons. Thank you all for your support during this, and I'm sure I'll need much more in the coming weeks."

Well there she is folks, that's one of your horrible late-term aborting assholes.  Who else????

2.  Women that were pregnant with multiples but lost one naturally.  Now they're hoping and praying the lost twin doesn't cause any kind of infection and hurt the other... but if it does... what do they do?  The law allows the mom to terminate the remaining viable pregnancy to save her own life.  Perhaps you subscribe to the theory that the baby's life is more important than the woman's, and whether you're right or not, if mama dies, baby dies.  At 25 weeks a baby CAN be kept alive and go on to survive and even come home, you've all seen and heard about it, but it's NOT the norm.  Ask your husbands what they'd rather do with your life.  It's a tricky question, I suppose... but if late-term abortions are illegal then no one gets to choose, and possibly everyone's dead.  Just ask Alexa from Flotsam.  Not that she had to go all the way with that argument, but her point was that she could if she had to, decide.

3.  Young girls, we're talking 12 to 14 that are abused, raped, molested or otherwise assaulted by someone: stranger or the ever-popular creepy uncle/grandpa/father/brother and now they're not getting their period.  Even if they engaged in the sexual encounter "willingly" (because who willingly has sex at 12 years old unless there is something fundamentally wrong going on) I still stand by this argument...  Either they're too ashamed to tell anyone what's happened (or there's no one to tell), or they don't know enough about their cycle to know that they're pregnant... and here they are at 5 months and their pants don't fit.  I don't know about you, but I think these girls deserve compassion and the right to decide what to do with the pregnancy even though it's late in the game... whether they're little 'hussies' or not, no fortunate 13 year-old wants to have sex and make a baby.  I'm sure they're terribly distraught about the whole thing anyway, let alone having a late-term abortion.  And yes, I did see this... and I did end up with her baby's pancreas.

So where does the evil-doer fit in?  She just doesn't.  I know nothing is black and white, and I never make arguments on this blog.  I just thought I might offer my opinion. 

I don't know anything about feminist theory, the cultural categorization and villification of women, or the various religious impliciations of late-term abortion, but I do know that making up this baby-killing woman, this selfish, idiotic bitch of a devil and using her to make the point that abortion is bad... well it's unfair, ludicrous, and just plain untrue.  You're using horrific cases with terrible outcomes to evoke an emotional response and gain support for your cause.  You have a valid point?  Then make it without your phantom evil bitch.  Because she's just not real in any kind of measurable number. 

now i get to sew for free

this is a short story detailing how i have a back-log of orders to complete for ZERO DOLLARS...  it could also be described as a tale of how became SURE that i am losing my mind lately.

you'll notice that i bought a dog.  it's a cute dog.  i love the dog.  i canceled the dog.

i sent the breeder the money on thursday night at around 9pm.  i was so relieved... it was OVER.  she had gone to the vet for her health check and rabies shots, flights were organized.  i paid for her... LOTS for her, money i didn't have for her.  but it was a done deal, so... relief.

in the weeks preceding my dog purchase, i worked my arse off getting punchanella orders to pay for this dog.  it's not like i have time to sew or maintain my business.  honestly i need to do nothing other than THESIS THESIS THESIS.  but you recall i was intent on getting the god-damned dog.  so here i am with a ton of wedding orders to be completed and the money that was paid to me for this is gone.

thursday night i went to sleep and felt fine, normal even.  then i just... wasn't falling asleep... 1am, 2am, 3am.  i'm no stranger to that, just ask so pauvre.  but then the panic started.  panic attacks are idiotic, and i don't tell anyone that i've ever had one, but i've had a handful of them in my adult life.  not enough that i am one of those people... but enough that i can't judge those people.  at 5am i woke up eli to tell him i was telling the breeder thanks but no thanks.

eli graciously woke up and entertained the whole thing.  in the end he agreed with me that we couldn't get a dog right now.  if you remember, i'm the asshole that made him do it in the first place.  it's just that eli and sam had become quite attached to the idea...

considering this was supposed to be a short story, i'll just explain that i emailed her at 6am and told her forget it... and to decide on a deposit amount that she could keep to compensate her for the vet bills and her time.  she chose $300.  at least she sent me back the other sevjwelkj;hundred.

so no dog.  no kongs.  no snuggles. 

i have to stop doing this shit to my son.  he drew a picture of a heart with hearts coming out of it, and a puppy in the center. 

this is why they tell you you aren't supposed to marry or do anything drastic for at least a year after someone dies... because you're insane. 

i just want to focus on the real issue again, i miscarried twice this spring.  my husband has distanced himself from me emotionally because we've been so busy and i'm alone and unhappy.  but the end goal is a baby, not a dog.  the dog is a long-term goal... not short-term solution.

so, i'm sorry to have embarrased myself.  i took the post down that announced i was getting my dog, but i put it back up... because what the EFF is the point of this if i'm going to be a liar and filter myself?  i became crazy about a dog, i followed through with it even though people kept telling me not to, and then i hurt my husband and my son when i woke back up and changed my mind.

won't it be SO great when it's september and i've graduated and eli's back to teaching and i can try to get pregnant again, and my sister is married, and sam has started first grade and stopped going to daycare?  it really will.  there's so many things to have anxiety about this summer.  it's a shame to wish a summer away, but really, i can't wait.

S

journey completed; arrival at destination: crazy

i just bought a dog.  A;WOEIJFFAL;KDJFJ;ALKSDJF;AOIWF

THERE goes a 3 week trip to italy with eli in the fall.

there goes my 'clean' house.

there goes my money.

there goes my freedom.

here comes chloe.

she's flying from kansas of all places to us next wednesday.

truly, i'm just glad the dealings are over with.  contacting breeders, looking for the best puppy, calculating price and payment... it's like buying a car.  if you remember correctly, that was the WORST experience of my life.  this was similar.

but it's just... over now.  and i get my little clover soon! 

take a journey down crazy with me

before you start reading:  don't even SAY that i've lost my mind and i'm trying to fill some void left by having 2 back to back miscarriages by getting a dog, because whether it's true or not, it's how it is... now, let's go.

i had a dog 5 years ago.  he was a totally insane beagle that i loved to the very bottom of my heart but who also totally ruined my house/life while we had him.  you'd be SO surprised how much damage a small dog can do.  Runey had severe separation anxiety and we both felt maximally stressed every time we had to leave the house without him (which was daily).  there was some suggestion of putting Runey on anti-anxiety pills by the vet, but seriously!?!?!?!?  i would love to show you a picture of dear old beloved Rune, but i took EVERY SINGLE ONE off my computer so that i didn't have to be reminded that the dog love of my life got hit by a car at just under the age of 2 and was killed because i didn't lock the door on our way out (beagles can open doors).  Rune started on a path eli and i walked every day to school work and at the intersection, he died.  that's right, our hound followed our scent and that was the end of it.  i feel sick just talking about it.  THIS WASN'T THE POINT.

so about 3 weeks ago i was looking for something in my closet and i came upon a box with letters i wrote to him after he died and pictures and his collar.  i didn't think much of it other than, 'oh look, there's another thing i feel sad about' and i kept searching for what i was looking for.  this could have been the start of this dog insanity.

i have wanted a dog since the day i got married and moved out of my home... i hate living without dogs.  we got Runey the beagle shortly thereafter.  but like i said, we lost him.  after that nightmare, i figured i'd get another dog when i owned a small private island and it could exercise and run away all it wanted to no detriment.  it was my opinion that a calm, lazy dog that was over 60 pounds just didn't exist.  i should mention that while i do appreciate little dogs, i'd always much prefered a larger dog.  i mean, the work is that same... at least a big dog offers some protection, call it symbiosis if you like. 

last thursday i found the laziest, sweetest, most protective dog on the planet... a dogue de bordeaux named norman.  he belongs to one of my sister's closest friends.  so i started looking into the breed.  'member Hooch?  totally ugly, but so ugly he's cute.  i've done my best to avoid any pictures of puppies, because i know they alter your thinking, like peyote... or vaginas if you're a man.  but PLEASE TELL ME you don't love this:

i'm nothing if not a researcher, and i located and contacted about 63 breeders in my province.  they're four squadrillion bucks, but even if i ignore that... there seems to be a little bit of a public perception issue (hi!  nice junkyard dog you've got there!  i'll be crossing the street now) as well as the issue of necessary early socialization to prevent an aggressive dog.  SO NEVERMIND.  i know they're thought of as terribly loving and i know they are with their family.  i also know that they don't become aggressive unless they percieve fear or stress in their owners, but let's be honest, i'm a huge scaredy cat and i'm pretty sure everyone is going to hurt me... i'm always nervous. i can't worry that it's going to kill another dog or bite (and by bite i mean kill) a person. 

fine, moving on.

ENGLISH MASTIFF!  who couldn't love a giant 200lb dog?  they are truly, truly a gentile giant.  i know you're wondering what's wrong with me, but in my defense, i did one of those what-kind-of-dog-should-you-get questionnaires and it totally agreed with me that mastiffs we're a great fit. 

thennnnnnnn my sister came over and watched a 'breed all about it' segment on you tube and informed me that they are huge and destroy your house and drool until you need a tiny row-boat to get across the kitchen.  point taken, although i love them anyway and am starting to think i don't care.

she suggested a great dane, and i've always loved them, it's true.  ESPECIALLY THE BLUE ONES!  my good god, they're beautiful.

but guess what... great danes offer ZERO protective value and won't do a damned thing if someone tries to get you!  also they have a life expectancy of like... oh... 5 minutes.  :(  plus everyone always walks up to great danes and touches them and talks to the owner and like, buzz off strangers... right? 

i should mention that eli has more or less refused to get a dog this whole time, but last night finally agreed to it on the basis that he wanted me to be happy.  THAT melted my heart and then my sister announced "lones, you're such an asshole!"  (I'm lones by the way) because i had just finished calling him out on something.  FINE, I AM.  but last night, like i mentioned, he gave in.  so we did some together-interweb-research and came up with THIS breed ->

the greater swiss mountain dog.  i feel exhausted just writing it, and i know it's more like, the whaaaa?  you can call it a 'swissy'... most people do, although eli won't allow it based on its similarity in sound to 'sissy'.  so we will say the full name, no matter how tiring it may be.  the greater swiss mountain dog is similar in everyway to the above-mentioned breeds except that it doesn't drool.  we were pretty much sold.

this dog is so great.  it's a real dog's dog, isn't it?  it looks so... doggish!  i love it in every way.  i can have one of these!!!!!!!!!! (if i want to wait until january).  i literally, literally shed tears when i found out how long the wait was.  mostly because i am so exhasted from researching breeds and emailing breeders.  4 breeds!  4 breeds i've tried to source.  i'm so tired and so emotionally frazzled.  i'd love love love to tell you we've narrowed it, but i'm not sure any of the 4 are off the table at this point and i'm hoping to god someone prescribes me lorazepam so i can ZONE OUT AND STOP thinking about dogs. 

no lie, this is all i've done for over a week now.  LOOK AT DOGS AND TALK TO BREEDERS.  ugh... need to have resolution so that i may stop thinking about it!  hope i find the dog soon!