this is a short story detailing how i have a back-log of orders to complete for ZERO DOLLARS... it could also be described as a tale of how became SURE that i am losing my mind lately.
you'll notice that i bought a dog. it's a cute dog. i love the dog. i canceled the dog.
i sent the breeder the money on thursday night at around 9pm. i was so relieved... it was OVER. she had gone to the vet for her health check and rabies shots, flights were organized. i paid for her... LOTS for her, money i didn't have for her. but it was a done deal, so... relief.
in the weeks preceding my dog purchase, i worked my arse off getting punchanella orders to pay for this dog. it's not like i have time to sew or maintain my business. honestly i need to do nothing other than THESIS THESIS THESIS. but you recall i was intent on getting the god-damned dog. so here i am with a ton of wedding orders to be completed and the money that was paid to me for this is gone.
thursday night i went to sleep and felt fine, normal even. then i just... wasn't falling asleep... 1am, 2am, 3am. i'm no stranger to that, just ask so pauvre. but then the panic started. panic attacks are idiotic, and i don't tell anyone that i've ever had one, but i've had a handful of them in my adult life. not enough that i am one of those people... but enough that i can't judge those people. at 5am i woke up eli to tell him i was telling the breeder thanks but no thanks.
eli graciously woke up and entertained the whole thing. in the end he agreed with me that we couldn't get a dog right now. if you remember, i'm the asshole that made him do it in the first place. it's just that eli and sam had become quite attached to the idea...
considering this was supposed to be a short story, i'll just explain that i emailed her at 6am and told her forget it... and to decide on a deposit amount that she could keep to compensate her for the vet bills and her time. she chose $300. at least she sent me back the other sevjwelkj;hundred.
so no dog. no kongs. no snuggles.
i have to stop doing this shit to my son. he drew a picture of a heart with hearts coming out of it, and a puppy in the center.
this is why they tell you you aren't supposed to marry or do anything drastic for at least a year after someone dies... because you're insane.
i just want to focus on the real issue again, i miscarried twice this spring. my husband has distanced himself from me emotionally because we've been so busy and i'm alone and unhappy. but the end goal is a baby, not a dog. the dog is a long-term goal... not short-term solution.
so, i'm sorry to have embarrased myself. i took the post down that announced i was getting my dog, but i put it back up... because what the EFF is the point of this if i'm going to be a liar and filter myself? i became crazy about a dog, i followed through with it even though people kept telling me not to, and then i hurt my husband and my son when i woke back up and changed my mind.
won't it be SO great when it's september and i've graduated and eli's back to teaching and i can try to get pregnant again, and my sister is married, and sam has started first grade and stopped going to daycare? it really will. there's so many things to have anxiety about this summer. it's a shame to wish a summer away, but really, i can't wait.
S
That is so sad. I feel for you. And I don't mean to be flip at all here, but if you do change your mind and get a dog (maybe a humongo mastif-sized one) and then get pregnant and end up having a baby and a giant puppy at the same time, look me up. We took in another newfoundland, believing pregnancy would never happen for me, then a medical miracle occurred and we ended up with a puppy and a baby on the way. I'm just saying, it could happen to you too =D You juts never know.
Posted by: Field Notes | June 16, 2009 at 08:30 AM
duder, i lerve you and am proud of you for not censoring your blog. i'm so tired of little miss perfect blogs with their perfect vintage outfits and perfect portland cottages. you and i are the new breed. messy, fucked up, and real.
movie reel always.
love leash
Posted by: so pauvre | June 16, 2009 at 10:02 PM