what if this leads to drug abuse in the future?

sam is just one of those people that keeps their emotions hidden, and this has been learning experience for me, to say the least.

i'm a leo.  i'm a leo and i'm a female.  i'm a leo who's a female and i'm part sicilian.  so when i am feeling something, YOUKNOWIT.

i married an aquarian, who is a man, who is part english.  it's a serious case of worlds colliding, let me assure you.

i suppose if our marriage were a silent movie, it would look a lot like some crazy woman yelling and thrashing around her arms, standing up and stomping, leaving the room only to come back 3 seconds later for a second round (sort of like some mental paso doble dance), while the male character was slightly more animated than bernie from weekend at bernie's when no one was walking him around.

it would be one thing if eli didn't show exact emtions, but transferred them to a secondary emotion or task... like anger, or furious cleaning (that's my sister), or drinking... WHATEVER.  i'm so clueless as to how to interact with him sometimes... he hides all the feedback.  we deal with it, but it wasn't easy to do so.

i really had visions of us procreating and making another little part-sicilian sidekick.  i figured we'd put our feelings on the table and move on... but i now realize that sam is more like eli than i had imagined or was prepared for.

when i was pregnant the first time this early spring, we told sam right away.  i know, i know... but i had no reason not to, in my mind.  he was hoping for a sibling and there was no a priori reason to think my pregnancy wouldn't go to term (except for that nagging feeling but i ignored that thinking was insane).  he was... um... happy?  he said the right words, but seemed more interested in cartoons or what we were doing after dinner.  so when 2 weeks later, i lost the baby i thought it would suffice to say that god had changed his mind and would send us a baby later on.  it did... surficially, but i later found out that he had drawn pictures of both me pregnant, and the baby itself just that day at school and had given them to my sister (his auntie) to tuck away until god sent us another one.  he was a shit-head the whole weekend, and it finally occurred to me... sam is NOT okay, sam is NOT feeling indifferent about this loss, sam cannot show his emotions.

he's always like that, now that i look at it.  he never cries when he's hurt (unless something is ripped off of him, broken open, or chipped off).  he won't dance in front of anyone other than family.  he won't sing the words to songs out loud, only mouth them.  when "water comes out of [his] eyes" he turns away so no one can see it.  forget trying to comfort him when a sad part of the movie makes the water come out of his eyes, he'll respond immediately to say, 'i'm NOT sad." 

it's disheartening to me.  you'd think someone so wholly loveable, adorable, and interesting would be uninhibited.  i thought eli was like that because he lacked enough people telling him how much he mattered, but perhaps, based on the fact that sam has a team of cheerleaders on hand at any moment, no matter what eli had, he'd still be the same. 

we went to look at dogs at a breeder's house.  sam could give a shit about the dogs, but ran outside to play with her two little girls instead.  when we told him we were picking up our puppy on a wednesday, he barely responded.  when we told him we changed our minds and were waiting on a puppy, he had little to no reaction.  but i found the picture of the glitter heart with hearts radiating off of it, and the puppy inside posted above our bed.  this is significant, because sam has drawn a picture of the person and their name and taped it above their spot in my bed for all three of us.  puppy's drawing was just next to sam.  fuck... i am a shit-ass mother.  anyway, he must have had feelings about it, but i'd never know.

how am i supposed to parent a child i am so TERRIBLE at understanding?  i can't comfort him and i can't ignore him.  what do i do?  what about when he's older?  i want him to communicate with me.

Comments

[so pauvre]

we both know i'm like you duder - i wear my bleeding heart on my sleeve and smash it into people's faces when i'm feeling my RAGING feelings, so it's hard for me to relate to the eli/sam types as well.

one of things i love the most about sam is how visually expressive he is. the drawings, his towers, the fabrics, the blanket wraps. he may not be saying it, but at least he's channeling it into something beautiful.

movie reels always,
love leash

[punchanella]

you're so right, leashy. so right. :)