well, this is totally not the internet's business, but i need to talk about it... so here goes.
3 months have passed since the latest in a string of two back-to-back miscarriages, as you may remember...
so this was the month we were able to try again... and we did... and i swear i dropped 45 eggs judging by how OVULATORY i felt. i do have mittelsmerz on my right side, and i am quite aware of my emotional as well as physical changes associated with ovulation, and most importantly, i always ovulate on day 13... every month... like clockwork. easy enough.
i'm fairly certain i'm pregnant, but technically it's only day 23, and i have no way of knowing that. however, i'm convinced i'm pregnant.
before you say, this woman is completely INSANE... know that i have become pregnant 100% of the times i've tried... we tried 3 times, and i've been pregnant 3 times. as well, working in a fertility clinic tends to gift me TOO MUCH knowledge in the area of attaining pregnancy. ANYWAY, i am certain i am pregnant, not only because i always get
pregnant, but because i feel pregnant as well. i hate women who 'feel'
pregnant before it's possible, but i do... and the symptoms of very
early pregnancy are fresh within in my mind.
my GTPAL (gravida, term, preterm, abortions (surgical or miscarriage), living) is starting to look like that of a woman from the fertility clinic, with a whopping 3 1 0 2 1... that little L is awful lonely at 1... anyway, i seem to be easily impregnated. you know what's interesting, a woman's risk of miscarriage of her 2nd pregnancy drops significantly if she is with a different man than from the first... it's nature's way of diversifying the gene pool, i suppose.
the reason i'm so scared, is because i have sharp cramps on my right side (again) and the smallest, almost unoticeable, whydidievenlook tinge of blood was found when i went to go pee (for the 87th time today). who bleeds on day 23??? me, both times i was pregnant and lost it. i don't know how to do this, to be honest... to shed the fear of the miscarriages and try to get pregnant without completely freaking out. nothing i can do but wait. could be pain at the ovulation site... could be implantation bleed... but i fear it could be signs of a uterus not doing a good job with a new embryo.
coping mechanisms:
1. i WILL NOT test before the traditionally ascribed testing day of ONE DAY LATE. no more 5 days early with the newer, more sensitive tests...
2. i WILL NOT use an old-model 'line shows up or line doesn't' test, because i obsess over the darkness (or lightness, as it were) of the line. i WILL use a digital pregnancy test so that i can't ever see a damned line... just a yes or no in digital words.
3. i WILL only test ONCE, i will not take one every 48 hours to see if the line is getting darker (in fact, see number 2).
4. i WILL NOT drink, take advil, use a heating pad, or fight with my husband even before i know if i'm pregnant yet... all things i did before i tested the last two times, and all things i blamed for why i lost the pregnancies.
5. i WILL NOT consider what might be wrong with me then, if i were to lose another one... because the tests came back normal, and my physiology is normal, so what in the fuck keeps making my babies terminate then? WHAT IS IT? see, i won't do that until i come to that bridge, hopefully never...
those are all of the things i can think of right now that i promise myself i will or won't do...
and lastly, since i've been SO exhausted this past week... here's what i did between 4 and 5 pm:
don't judge.
S
