i just work here

morning sickness: not cute

no idea who this woman is... be she clearly gets it.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

this has truly been hell.  no one gives a shit when you say that you're experiencing really bad morning sickness.  you get a range of comments from 'that's a good sign' to 'try exercising'  THAAANKS.

it's 24 hours a day, and it's debilitating.  i don't go out anywhere, i don't get any work done.  i don't see my friends and family, i can't have sex.  i can't play with sam, i can't take care of the dog.  i can't cook, i can't clean... i can't even sleep.

every time i think i'm turning a corner, it gets worse.  i suppose that makes sense, given the fact that the hormones increase every day... but seriously, i need a break.

as if the nausea isn't bad enough, the depression it causes is killing me.  i feel so isolated and so alone.  so useless and UGLY because my hair is a rat's nest and i've been wearing the same pants for 3 weeks. that's right... 3 weeks.  i change my underwear and shirt though...

daytime TV is making me want to blow up humanity.  are they serious?  how many options for your baby's daddy WERE there?  and i really don't give a shit about beauty secrets or relationship tips.   the only good thing on TV is Trailer Park Boys and that's only on for 1 hour a day.

alright, it's really selfish, but i am regretting this a little bit.  i'm just so depressed. 

8 1/2 weeks... so basically between 4 to10 weeks left of this shit.  I HAVE NO CHOICE, I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND BE ON THE EDGE OF BARFING 24 HOURS A DAY... so might as well stop bitching about it, eh?

well... whatever you're doing, you're feeling better than i am.  rest assured.

dog=snow=barf

lucy... the poor dear.

i hate her. 

when i was pregnant the first time, with sam... i was VERY nauseous.  i hate this feeling above all other feelings.  chronic pain is preferable.  when the CONSTANT and SEVERE nausea started with Samuel, it was January/February and snowing.  Every year since (6 of them), the first snow makes me nauseous. 

this time my NVP is exponentially worse.  i can't tell you how much time i've spent in tears, wishing the nausea would stop, just for a moment!  my quality of life is severely reduced and i've spent time wishing i wasn't pregnant anymore... a feat for a girl with 2 miscarriages.  this time, i associate my nausea with LUCY, the poor gal.  she just hangs around me all damned day and i see her and want to throw up.

it's made me be a little snippy and a lot impatient with her.  i hate her! 

i can't help but wonder if this is twins.  the pregnancy symptoms are so severe and started SO very early.  not only that, but i'm 6w 1d and i'm SHOWING.  man, i'll just die if that happens.

i've upped the diclectin dose (on the advice of the motherisk hotline and my GP).  it's helping a bit.  i couldn't do ANYTHING before i started the diclectin (i know i bitched about it just last week, but i was desperate) and i was still in severely bad shape with the diclectin.  the doubled doses is the only reason i feel at all normal this evening.

with sam, i was nauseous until 19 weeks.  that is 13 weeks.  that is 3 months and one week.  that is an ETERNITY.

wish me luck.

 

SURPRISE... we don't agree

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

gaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhdddd.

i went to my first prenatal appointment today with my family doctor.

oh my god, i am SO over the medical profession.

first off, eli and i couldn't agree on whether we should use physicians to monitor this pregnancy (his choice) or a midwife (my choice).  i'm pretty sure he thinks midwives are hippie herbalists from the patchouli-scented dens.  what the hell is wrong with him?  they're REGISTERED MIDWIVES, they go to school!  for the love of god, they're not throwing chicken bones to tell me about how my pregnancy will progress.

but whatever, i went to my first prenatal appointment with my family doctor (even though I have an appointment booked with a midwife for 8 weeks gestation, more on that later).

first thing she does is hand me a prescription for diclectin, without any indication that i am even nauseous (although i SO am).  then she gives me a requisition for my 12 week ultrasound for IPS.  IPS is integrated prenatal screening.  this is an ultrasound that, coupled with an AFP blood test, is supposed to tell you whether your child has down syndrome, trisomy 18/13 or neural tube defects.  but DOES IT?

according to the pamphlet, 4 out of 100 women are 'screen positive' meaning that they see a reason to believe that your fetus has one of the aforementioned problems.  yet they state exactly this:  "However, most women with a screen positive result do not have a baby with Down Syndrome, trisomy 18 or open neural tube defects."

WHAT? (and i knew this going into it already) the ONLY way to know conclusively if your baby has a trisomy (Down or otherwise) is amniocentesis or CVS.  Now you have to wait 7 WEEKS more with a screen positive result for your amnio or CVS which carries an associated risk of miscarriage, to find out if you have an affected fetus for certain and THENNNN you have to make a decision about what to do with the pregnancy.  carry it to term, or terminate... at 20 weeks pregnant.

eli seems to think we need this information.  he thinks that if we have this information we can make an obvious choice.  really?  is it that obvious?  we'd just TERMINATE our pregnancy at 20 weeks?  it's moving inside of me, and growing and been there for 5 god damned months... but we'll just terminate it.

is he EVEN thinking about the gravity of that decision?  do i think it's better to just not know, maybe... for me.

it's like when people want to get divorced.  they're sick of their spouse's FACE and they'd rather murder them than talk to them.  but FOLLOW THAT THROUGH.  you have to actually DO it.  you have to go through the logistics of getting a lawyer, moving out, separating assets, dealing with your children's issues, being a single parent, sleeping alone, and being SINGLE... all of that.  you don't think about that when you want to be with someone else and hate your spouse, but the reality is much harsher than your dream of not being married to a jerk anymore.

it seems like an easy decision... well we don't want a baby with Down Syndrome, so we terminate.

It's not a seamonkey the size of a poppyseed, eli... it's a giant 20 week old baby that weighs something and looks like a baby and is being killed and removed from MYYYYYYYYYYY body.  and Down Syndrome or not, that is a hard decision to have to make.  it requires forms and saying yes, and signing documents, and making an appointment and getting on a gown, and being given medications, and having a therapeutic abortion, and waking up wanting to DIE. 

if we weren't willing to risk not having a perfect child, then we should not have gotten pregnant. 

secondly, i DO NOT need this bullshit from my caregiver.  drugs and screening i don't want HANDED TO ME AND SCHEDULED FOR ME.

fuck that, i want my midwife. 

and eli is an idiot (sorry marylin).  maybe the choice is easy for some, but for me, having lost 2 pregnancies... i mean i don't know, i don't think i could terminate.  and all i've bought myself is 5 months of feeling horrible about my potential Down Syndrome baby coming soon.  what has it changed?

i just don't know WHAT to do.  honestly, i don't know.

be cool, stay in school.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii   graduated!!!!!!!!!

i told my mom (who is a professor) that i wanted my examiners to write A++++++ on a board, just like Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" wanted.  she said that's not the deal at a defense.  but i got pretty. damn. close.

i'm so pleased, and so tired, because since the day of my defense i've been working non-stop at the IVF clinic, and one of my patients today cried and then moaned and even SCREAMED during her procedure.  she should cut that out, i nearly dropped her dish of eggs.  chill out ladies... for your own good.

anyway, i have more letters to go with my name now...

i feel sickly disappointed about not being a grad student anymore.  i'm taking a good look at how to get back to being one again.  it's like people who are in prison, and get out, and commit a crime in order to get back into the horrible life that they at least know and are familiar with.  wow... that is perhaps the finest analogy i have ever made.