i'm 11w 5d... i've yet to have a proper prenantal appointment. sure, i met with my GP at 5 weeks and got my diclectin prescription as i mentioned... but since then, no one.
i was wrestling with the decision between a midwife or an OB, and i said i was going to see the midwife once, to see how i felt.
i was supposed to go to her around 8 weeks, but i canceled my appointment. then the midwife canceled my re-book and TODAY was my appointment, finally.
couldn't have come at a better time, because i woke up this morning and found i was bleeding. home alone, as one would expect when they're TERRIFIED. i wanted to curl right back up and cancel anything that had me leaving the house. having the midwife appointment... didn't make me feel any better. i knew what a miscarriage started like, and here i was again, bleeding and cramping.
i drove 40 minutes to my appointment in tears. partly because i did NOT go through these last 12 weeks for nothing, but mostly because i couldn't stand to have to tell sam we had lost it again.
i got there and it was a VERY long appointment. she was so sweet and happy and joyful and i must have looked like a wretched bitch. but all her talk about 'when the baby's born' and 'closer to delivery' and bla bla bla was breaking my heart. i didn't have the heart to tell her yet that i didn't think i'd GET to delivery.
at 12 weeks... i can't miscarry at home like i did the last two times. that would call for medical intervention.
i finally got to the point where i could tell her i'd been bleeding today, and she asked if i wanted to try the doppler out right away instead of continuing. what a novel idea, to immediately address the patient's concerns, eh? i said no, i would wait... the next few minutes weren't going to CHANGE anything, and i guess i was putting off the bad news, to be quite honest.
finally, it was doppler time. she put the probe on my belly and found my heartbeat. then she wiggled around, and again found my heartbeat. i started to think i needed to stop circulating so it would be QUIET in there for a minute, damn it. she moved some more... again my heartbeat. then she cross-referenced with my pulse in my wrist to confirm it WAS my heartbeat. i started to feel terrified. truly terrified. i could have lost it at 8 or 9 weeks and never have known. a few minutes had gone by, and NO baby heartbeat. she looked at me and said, "don't worry, i'm confident i'll find the heartbeat." i thought, yea WHATEVER. this is happening.
after a few more minutes i was ready to cry and tell her to stop... and then... there it was. i covered my face and squinched it up all funny, just i don't know... happy, frustrated, relieved. she put it back so i could hear some more. it's a nice little heartbeat... i could hear both of ours together. i'm not into sentimental greeting card garbage, but i did love to hear us both.
so it's in there, it's living and beating.
i'm still going for an ultrasound next week to confirm everything's alright, but internet resources say once you've seen/heard the heartbeat, there's a 97% of it surviving.
hearing the heartbeat didn't mean a huge amount to me with sam. it was neat, but i didn't need that to feel sweet about being pregnant. this go around, however, i've been secretly wishing i wasn't pregnant anymore, and i can't say i have ANY positive memories thus far... just really, really bad times. but suddenly this time after finally getting the confirmation that he/she is alive, i want to go buy PINK DRESSES and pink blankets, and sparkly items. but clearly, it's not time for that yet.
so far, i have to say that the midwife appointment was an AMAZING experience. listen, i'm not one to need a lot of information or facts. i don't need someone to make decisions for me about my prenatal or postnatal care. i know just about enough about pregnancy and development. i've had a baby, and i'm a reproductive biologist. what i needed was someone to spend a couple of minutes with me, look me in the eyes, be genuinely happy for me when we finally found the heartbeat, and to help me up off the table. my friends, these are things an OB could do... but they don't. i'm so pleased to be under the care of a practice of midwives... best random thought i've EVER had.