i just work here

winners and losers

well, i'm clearly the loser, because i told you the winner of the punchanella giveaway would be announced on SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26TH, which ISN'T a real day.  but today is the 26th... which is what i meant.

so...  the winner, as determined by random.org (a random number generator) is...  FAN NUMBER 28, Maira, who's full name i won't announce just so you don't be chasing her or anything.  but i'm sending her a message via facebook to let her know about her win.  :)

thanks to everyone who fanned!  fanning a big business is one thing, but you have to know that small business owners, etsy shop-keepers, crafters, artists... we're real actual people who truly do appreciate your support.

i'll be doing MORE giveaways, so keep yourself glued.

thanks again!

i'm 11w 5d... i've yet to have a proper prenantal appointment.  sure, i met with my GP at 5 weeks and got my diclectin prescription as i mentioned... but since then, no one.

i was wrestling with the decision between a midwife or an OB, and i said i was going to see the midwife once, to see how i felt.

i was supposed to go to her around 8 weeks, but i canceled my appointment.  then the midwife canceled my re-book and TODAY was my appointment, finally.

couldn't have come at a better time, because i woke up this morning and found i was bleeding.  home alone, as one would expect when they're TERRIFIED.  i wanted to curl right back up and cancel anything that had me leaving the house.  having the midwife appointment... didn't make me feel any better.  i knew what a miscarriage started like, and here i was again, bleeding and cramping.

i drove 40 minutes to my appointment in tears.  partly because i did NOT go through these last 12 weeks for nothing, but mostly because i couldn't stand to have to tell sam we had lost it again. 

i got there and it was a VERY long appointment.  she was so sweet and happy and joyful and i must have looked like a wretched bitch.  but all her talk about 'when the baby's born' and 'closer to delivery' and bla bla bla was breaking my heart.  i didn't have the heart to tell her yet that i didn't think i'd GET to delivery.

at 12 weeks... i can't miscarry at home like i did the last two times.  that would call for medical intervention. 

i finally got to the point where i could tell her i'd been bleeding today, and she asked if i wanted to try the doppler out right away instead of continuing.  what a novel idea, to immediately address the patient's concerns, eh?  i said no, i would wait... the next few minutes weren't going to CHANGE anything, and i guess i was putting off the bad news, to be quite honest.

finally, it was doppler time.  she put the probe on my belly and found my heartbeat.  then she wiggled around, and again found my heartbeat.  i started to think i needed to stop circulating so it would be QUIET in there for a minute, damn it.  she moved some more... again my heartbeat. then she cross-referenced with my pulse in my wrist to confirm it WAS my heartbeat.  i started to feel terrified.  truly terrified.  i could have lost it at 8 or 9 weeks and never have known.  a few minutes had gone by, and NO baby heartbeat.  she looked at me and said, "don't worry, i'm confident i'll find the heartbeat."  i thought, yea WHATEVER.  this is happening.

after a few more minutes i was ready to cry and tell her to stop... and then... there it was.  i covered my face and squinched it up all funny, just i don't know... happy, frustrated, relieved.  she put it back so i could hear some more.  it's a nice little heartbeat... i could hear both of ours together.  i'm not into sentimental greeting card garbage, but i did love to hear us both.

so it's in there, it's living and beating.

i'm still going for an ultrasound next week to confirm everything's alright, but internet resources say once you've seen/heard the heartbeat, there's a 97% of it surviving.

hearing the heartbeat didn't mean a huge amount to me with sam.  it was neat, but i didn't need that to feel sweet about being pregnant.  this go around, however, i've been secretly wishing i wasn't pregnant anymore, and i can't say i have ANY positive memories thus far... just really, really bad times.  but suddenly this time after finally getting the confirmation that he/she is alive, i want to go buy PINK DRESSES and pink blankets, and sparkly items.  but clearly, it's not time for that yet. 

so far, i have to say that the midwife appointment was an AMAZING experience.  listen, i'm not one to need a lot of information or facts.  i don't need someone to make decisions for me about my prenatal or postnatal care.  i know just about enough about pregnancy and development.  i've had a baby, and i'm a reproductive biologist.  what i needed was someone to spend a couple of minutes with me, look me in the eyes, be genuinely happy for me when we finally found the heartbeat, and to help me up off the table.  my friends, these are things an OB could do... but they don't.  i'm so pleased to be under the care of a practice of midwives... best random thought i've EVER had. 

come see me

aaaaaalllllllllllllright.

i have FINALLY broken down and created a punchanella facebook fan page.  i didn't want to do it, but i did it.  the link to the facebook page can also be found at the BOTTOM LEFT HAND corner of my blog.

i am going to hold a giveaway to one lucky winner who fans punchanella on facebook.

so here's my deal:

you fan me, you are entered to win my giveaway.  my giveaway?

a brush roll, pocket pouch combo. 

 


so anyway, recap:

fan punchanella on facebook, entered to win brush roll/pocket pouch combo.

i will CHOOSE A WINNER AT RANDOM ON...   SUNDAY OCTOBER 26TH.  that's one week.

the falconer

oh my good god, balloon boy.  i was watching obama talking in new orleans when all of a sudden THIS came up on the screen.  a 6 year-old boy in a flying saucer balloon.  i know!

i don't meant to sound like a bitch, but the TV anchor announced that his parents called the police and then immediately called the news network and i figured a) the kid wasn't in there and b) it was a publicity stunt.

as time went on, they announced that the father was an amateur scientist (which i'm sure you can imagine annoyed the fuck out of me, a real scientist) and that they'd been on wifeswap (which means they were already extremely not the same as normal people) and i was convinced that the kid wasn't in the balloon and that it was a stunt.

where was falcon (wtf?)?  here.

i watched the balloon fly in the air, up to i think they said 11,000 feet and back for 2 hours (okay,i fell asleep twice, FINE). 

i don't have any way to end this.  i just felt like i should admit that i watched the balloon for 2 hours, and i'm sorry.

i have swine flu (i don't).

but i am getting myself all worked up as though i DO.

my husband and my brother-in-law were (are-ish) both sick with flu-like symptoms which i assume is H1N1, because i watch daytime TV, and the fear-mongering TV segments told me so.

i have a sore throat, and chills... and general bad stomach feelings which i have had since 3w 6d of pregnancy, so i am willing to omit those from my list of symptoms.  however, i still feel that i am going to be a) hospitalized and b) risking my pregnancy.

last time i was pregnant, SARS was all the rage.  i had occasion to visit the ER (thought amniotic fluid was leaking out) and had to do so unaccompanied because even HUSBANDS weren't allowed into the hospital.  i'm willing to admit that the general health hysteria level is lower this pregnancy 'round... but H1N1 is getting people all aroused regardless.

i don't think i'll get any flu vaccines, H1N1 vaccine included.  i never have.  i generally have high resistance to illness... figured i would while i was pregnant as well.  i'm surprised to be sick at all.  maybe i'll wake up in the morning, and all will be new and not sick.  maybe the air is just dry!  (my mom taught me how to rationalize to the point of whatever outcome you are either hoping for, or most afraid of... explanations in the intermediate are not generally thought of... either you're dying, or you're not even sick at all.  please remember to go back and forth between the two.  thanks mom!)

sam's doing pretty well at 1st grade.  he's not complaining that he has to 'learn' too much like he did last year.  he does mention that the bus "keeps [him] rushin'!" and he cannot understand why he's not allowed to talk during class ("we can't even talk until recess, mommy... and recess is SHORT!").  sam comes from a line of chatties.  i was forever in trouble for talking in class.  my seat moved in science (a class i LIKED) over 15 times (there were only like 20 desks).  it soon became apparent to my science teacher (who's name i forget but she looked hippo-ish on account of very rounded, firm yet fleshy features) that i was going to talk to WHOEVER she put me next to AND get all A's on the tests/assignments anyway.  her solution was to move me to another room.  i couldn't talk, but i also couldn't LEARN.  wtf.  anyway... my mother before me had 'chatterbox' scrawled over report cards and so i'm not surprised that sam can't shut the hell up while the teacher is talking.  the poor dear.  he's learning lots of french.  so far every time i ask him 'comment ce va?' he replies with comme ci comme ca.  at first i thought he just didn't know about being tres bien or mal even, but upon further questioning, i have found that sam is just comme ci comme ca to a fault.  he really is a little this and a little that, both bad and good.  i don't know if that's just higher order thinking, or if he's a little depressed at 6. 

eli and i went to a football game this weekend at Ford Field.  i'm not particularly into sports, but i do enjoy football as far as sports go, and i like spectacles so i got us tickets.  it was pretty great, actually.

last night i had a dream that i started using hospital equipment (without authorization) to get a look at my baby.  what happened was that i couldn't hear a heartbeat.  this is probably because i was using an ultrasound machine as though it was a doppler, but that didn't occur to me in my dream.  at any rate, i've begun in the last 2 days to be scared about losing this pregnancy.  okay, scared again... i was terrified at the beginning.  once i got past the miscarriage weeks (5 and 6) i was too sick to care WHAT happened.  now the baby is the size of a lipstick tube and has fingernails so it's a thing, and i don't want to lose it.  i don't want it in there destroying my life either, but i don't want to lose it.  i also have dreams about car crashes and a muslim woman cleaning up her baby off the street.  that was pretty graphic/horrific.  weird dreams are part of pregnancy.  also, you CAN scream in your dreams... but you will sound very unfortunate and spazzy and so it's best to not yell lest your husband laugh at the way you screamed for him.  eli didn't laugh, but if he were meaner, he would impersonate that yell.

so eli has finally, after nearly 5 years of trying, become a full faculty member at the college he teaches at.  eli is a bum, but he's an amazing teacher. ;)  i never knew that would be his best gift, but it really is.  the college had him teaching as a sessional, partial load, or part-time instructor for the last 5 years.  in that time, 4 full time positions have been advertised and eli has been interviewed for them 3 times.  but finally, they have given him the job.  i suppose it's because eli is the youngest faculty member by a stretch and the dean seems a tad... traditional.  but hard work pays off finally i suppose.  we're very pleased that one of us has hit the mark finally.  all the schooling, all the tuition, all the time spent DOES lead to what you wanted in the first place.  there's no more panic talks about moving to oklahoma or utah (don't ask), no more wondering how much more credit card debt we can take to get through a summer with no pay, and no more wishing the college would just hire him.  and more than that... eli gets personal satisfaction.

i have a lot of things i need to mail.  i'm not great at getting envelopes or stamps.  i usually steal stamps off of letters that have been sent to me but that weren't post-marked.  awesome trick, i KNOW!  but on the last package that came to my house, the stamps were taped over with packing tape (you know who you are) and as such, i have to go out and BUY them.  this shit is never getting mailed, i know how i am.

hope you had a great thanksgiving if you're in canada.  columbus day i'm not so sure about (genocide anyone?), but i hope your weekend was nice too.

i got out of bed

and made something...

it's the jewelry roll JR.  it's smaller, as you would imagine by the name. 

that is all.