i just work here

i hate oprah

but i do agree that you should think about what you ARE thankful for.  this is in reference to her 'gratitude journal' crap. 

i like to complain... A LOT.  but i figure if you're going to allow yourself to complain, you have to recognize what's good as well.

so because i have spent 2 of the 3 days this week crying my eyes out for various, and numerous reasons... i'm going to just talk about what i DO like.

1.  the new book that punchanella is in is out and i just got my copy.  i'm on page 47-49.

2.  i have been on a mad hunt to find these pine cones i had last year that were scented with cinnamon.  i hate 99% of smells since i've been pregnant, assuredly including my god-damned aveda shampure shampoo and conditioner which i usually love and have to use on an every-other-daily basis anyway... so i would have expected to not require the cinnamon pine cones this year, but cinnamon and citrus makes me feel way less nauseous.  i had found them online but they were another not-shipping-to-canada item, but while i was in montreal, my sister found some and got them for me.  this instant, in fact, i am enjoying their presence.  p.s. why does the photo below look like something from a 50's cookbook... you know, over-lit and somehow not the real color...

3.  after 3 months of NOT seeing eli in any kind of real fashion, we are going away together next week.  eli's been studying for his comprehensive exams, WHILE he taught full-time, WHILE he did private jobs, WHILE he TA'd and before that, i was living in the bed sick so we didn't hang out too much then either... it's been awful... for him i'm sure, but for me, i've been completely without him.  next week the college is sending him to a conference in las vegas and i'm tagging along.  so while it's not a romantic getaway, per se (i hate romantic anythings anyway as you may recall), it is guaranteed time together, even if it's only the 6 and a half hours to get there.  las vegas isn't exactly my kind of town, but i have ended up there twice in two years now...  there's almost something you can't look away from there.  like a car crash, only more enjoyable. 

4. the baby is moving!  it has been for a little while now, but it's a nice milestone to get to.  soon it'll be huge and i'll be complaining that it hates my kidneys, but for now, it's a nice little gold-fish sort of deal.  

If I don't see you until mid-december, well... that won't be atypical, but at least you'll know i'm on vacation.  

"I'm taking a vacation from my problems!"

suhhhhhks.

so... last time i was pregnant i would have been like, "look at meeeeeeeee!  i've got a bump!!!!!!!!  i'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!"  but this time i am bummed, not going to lie.  i'm not a cute pregnant... i'm a... giant pregnant.  giant, blotchy, lumpy pregnant.  i know where this is going.

things to note:  early on the mirror was caked in sam tooth-brush spit.  i was too sick to clean it off.  at 14 weeks, i've cleaned the mirror.  so that's good.

well anyway, it's growing.  i have an ultrasound picture, it's pretty cute and everything.  i don't want to venture into eli's "office" to scan it, because it's really... dangerous in there what with all the dr. seuss piles of books and objects.  it looks like sam only black and white.

i'm going to montreal in a couple of weeks.  i accidentally put my name forward for this executive position in the canadian andrology and fertility society and i won... i say accident because i didn't realize i'd have to travel to the meeting on my own dime to be part of it.  well anyway, montreal for 24 hours = $500.00  i have to go by myself, which sucks, but i figure if there's anywhere to find killer maternity jeans, montreal is it.

also, they have good bagels, poutine, croissants, and smoked meat.  yea, THIS is why my ass is so big now.  let's not blame the baby.

my baby didn't exist

today i saw my bebe on ultrasound at my IPS scan.  (s)he is 13 weeks and apparently a few more days than i thought.  (if you click the picture, it'll take you to this adorable website where it compares the size of your baby to a fruit every week).

it has long skinny legs with toes, long skinny arms with fingers, a head with all its face-parts, and a giant belly.  its heart beats and all its body parts move... a lot.  it also dislikes to be smashed by an ultrasound probe.  but all in all, it looks like a tiny person and is intact. 

eli had to teach today, so i brought my mom along in case it was dead or something... i figured i wouldn't want to drive home by myself in that case.  so okay, that seems like a really DRAMATIC statement, i know, but literally how i felt.

i'm not a wacko, but hear me out.  i went to a psychic 2 summers ago.  she was really great and so far, her reading has proved very insightful and interesting.  but she said something to me that i had difficulty wrapping my head around.  she said that she was being told to tell me "don't deny the daughter."  she looked up at me and said she wasn't sure what that meant, and asked if i had a daughter in addition to the son she already knew about.  she thought maybe the daughter wasn't getting enough attention?  i assured here there was no daughter.  she said perhaps it was more "don't deny ENTRY to the daughter," and asked if i was having trouble deciding when or if to have another baby, that she just felt like there was a huge amount of "worry."  well, not really... i knew i was going to have another, and i knew i'd do it closer to the end of my degree.  we left it and moved on.  i mean, i don't live my life by what a psychic says, we only go for fun... but i have to admit i couldn't get THAT out of my head.

i translated this to mean just about everything in the last year.  i took it as hurry up and have a baby.  i took it as a message to not assume my pregnancy was over the first time i started to miscarry.  i thought it was a message about the 2nd pregnancy being viable.  then i thought it was a message to not give up after the miscarriages.  lately, i've been figuring that i would scan positive at my screening test, be told i had a down syndrome baby, and be asked about whether i still wanted to carry to term.  so it was like, 'don't terminate the daughter'... 

i was supposed to do the accompanying blood work for the IPS scan today but felt procrastinate-y, as i usually do about stopping at yet another place on the way home.  i flipping hate errands more than anything, so i put it off.  then i started thinking that maybe i don't want the bloods done anyway.  i don't believe in IPS.  i don't think something with such a high false-positive rate should be a routine screen.  i didn't want to make decisions based on a faulty screen, and i didn't want to risk a miscarriage at 20 weeks on an invasive diagnostic test just to find out for sure.  and THEN what would i do with the information...  i. don't. know.

i told eli this, and he was upset... this was a decision we should make together, he said.  he wanted to have the information, that i hadn't thought about what a life with a trisomy child would be like. 

then i said to him that i was tired of denying this pregnancy, and waiting 7 more weeks for results was too much longer to deny being pregnant... that i had been pretending since august 26th like i wasn't pregnant so that it wouldn't hurt when it didn't work out.  every step of the way when someone mentioned the future... when the baby was here, i would ALWAYS think, "IF the baby gets here"...

then i realized, i HAVE been denying this baby. 

when i thought i was pregnant i was scared that i wouldn't have high enough hCG to show on a pregnancy test...  when the line was dark, dark pink i moved on to thinking that i wouldn't get pregnancy symptoms yet again.  when i wanted to barf my insides out and couldn't wear a bra, then i worried that i would never get a baby with a heartbeat.  when i heard the heartbeat, i thought well... i'll be a late miscarry-er, i'll stop worrying when i see it alive on screen.  today when i saw it doing flips, i thought, i'll admit i'm pregnant when the screen comes back negative.  each step of the way, i've ignored that i was pregnant.  wouldn't think about names, wouldn't think about a nursery, wouldn't think about a layette, or sam as a brother... wouldn't think about anything... because i pretended i WASN'T pregnant.

so maybe that's what the psychic meant.  i told eli i was tired of it... that doing this screening would only be yet another benchmark to get to before i acknowledged i was pregnant.  i'd be 20 weeks by that time.  20 weeks is a long time to hate and deny what's going on. 

he finally agreed we didn't need to screen.

i went out and bought a baby book.  so far i only care about girl names.  any suggestions?