i just work here

i am an utter failure

i have broken rules number 2 and 3.  in my defense, i thought of really good reasons for doing so.  really good ones that make a lot of sense.

what's left, god-damnit... 4, i'll never break 4.  rule # 5 i have almost broken.  emily asked me what an IVF lab could do for me if i were to miscarry again.  i pointed to her stomach and said, "your uterus." 

less than 48 hours until my defense.  i'm inconsolably grumpy.

COME-ON WEDNESDAY...  wednesday I'm going to feel like a new me... with  more letters behind my name that apparently employers don't care about.  should have gone to college.

 

i spoke to a stranger in an elevator, and actually liked it.

what are you supposed to do when everything goes to hell?

i'd love to count it up for you, all the bad things that have gone on since the year turned... but i can't even name them all because some are scandalous.  but like, NAME IT, because it's happening in my life.

re: the miscarrageS.  i'm so fucking angry and i'm sorry about that word but god damn it am i ever angry.  I DON'T KNOW AT WHAT, but i'm mad.  i'm sure you've all been thought about in an angry way in the last couple of months, and i mean all of you; even all of you imaginary internet people, ESPECIALLY if you're pregnant.  i hate everyone and everything.  is that normal?  why am i so mad?  i lay in bed on saturday night, SEETHING with anger at one particular person (best not to hurt your feelings here, you... so i won't name names).  i still feel like you just DON'T get it, and everything that comes out of your mouth feels like running my knuckles down the kitchen rasp.  i can't even start thinking about it right now, it's making me re-angrified.  and no, it's not my husband... he's been almost... soothing throughout these miscarriageS.

i was totally fine with it, i cried for a few minutes on friday when the spotting started.  i cried and yelled at eli for an hour on saturday.  but other than that... fine.  mostly residual sad from the first one.  but today the bleeding and cramping started.  i was at school, being productive in order that i didn't have to feel like a lazy bitch in addition to a being a baby-killing machine.  i started to feel sad, but at 4:47 i walked out to my car.  as soon as i got into the parking garage, i started SOBBING for myself.  i was all alone and i was going to go home and be alone and i was in pain physically and emotionally and i was tired, frustrated, confused, angry, sad, sore... all of that at once. 

sam and i ate pizza from saturday.  then we dragged the air mattress up into the living room and watched 'muppets take manhattan' and at 7:30, the advilS finally started working and my mood improved as well.  ugh, thinking about that pizza made me seriously nauseous just now. 

sam still doesn't know about any of this 2nd pregnancy business.  i say that, but i'm sure he hears me talking but he hasn't said a thing about it.  i made the mistake of telling him we were pregnant the first time, and then had to explain that we 'lost it'.  just last week he brought home an abstract work with sad faces and the word "MOM" all over it which, when asked, he explained that the baby was so sad, because it was lost.  i'm not telling him i'm pregnant ever again until i'm 36 weeks.  his heartbreak was more upsetting to me than my own.  

sorry, eli is eating chips right now, and it's PUTTING ME OVER THE EDGE.  i have just turned on the TV to max volume so as to NOT be able to hear it, but i still can and it's making me enraged!!!!!!!!  is THAT normal? 

my only friend at school moved away this weekend.  only friend?  only friend that i intend to be friends with when i'm not at school.  friends are fine, keeper friends suck to lose.  i'm just losing shit all over the place, eh?  like i said, NAME IT.

fuck off with the chips! ALKDKJFA;LDJKFA;LSDKJFA;  like, ARE YOU DONE?

on the way down in the elevator from the early pregnancy unit to get blood drawn i was in there with another woman my age.  she asked me if i was on my way down for good news or bad news.  i said bad news and she agreed.  NEXT thing she said was "you know there's no one to talk to?  no one wants to talk about it, they don't know what to say and it's like a secret"  i felt like she popped an uncomfortable bubble and i sighed loudly, "i know!" 

anyway, i remember when i was reading finslippy during her miscarriage... i didn't know how i felt reading her blog.  i like her blog a lot, but i felt uncomfortable reading about how sad she was.  i guess it was because i couldn't relate, and it made me feel sad and you know... i was an idiot.  i hope you're not feeling that way, because i feel a little gagged this 2nd go around... everyone who's not physically miscarryING can just roll this fail into the first one and that's something they've been dealing with for 6 weeks now... but not me, and i haven't told pretty much ANYONE because i'm so embarrassed... and i just need to say things... or not.  i don't know.

i'm going to the DR on thursday.  the day i started spotting i was fierce about getting in for recurrent miscarriage testing, i wanted the full work up and the full treatment.  i still think something might be wrong with me, but i'm willing to accept that it was a fluke.  i've read that only 4% of women will have back to back miscarriages, WAY TO BEAT THE ODDS, ME... but still... i've had one healthy child, what could it be?

stick with me, i figure the upswing is coming, right?

why i have 3 (three) friends i tell the truth to.

i uh, don't have more than 3 close friends that know the real me.  it's true.  it's not because i'm solitary or because i'm not likable.  it's not because i don't WANT more than 3 friends... it's a situation came to pass because of the truth about me.  most people would really, really run far and run fast if they knew how i really felt about things... i'm a GRUMP.

1.  i HATE:  oprah, american idol, disney, winnie the fat pooh, country... OH COUNTRY I HATE YOU, various CSI shows, children that aren't mine, people that say things like, "do groceries" or "supper" or "phone me!" or "honey buns", american made cars, shopoholic/mad bride/vampire/harry potter novels, small dogs, drugstore make up, healthy breakfasts, and the OC.

2.  i LOVE: complaining, swearing, caving and ordering take-out more than twice a week, the BRITISH ramsay's kitchen nightmares series, being disgruntled, calling my loved ones sweet names like 'dullard' and 'shit for brains', people who dress nice, drinking wine out of a juice glass, really fat cats (otherwise i'm not interested) and handwriting.

i see people that i knew in highschool and i hide because i don't CARE what they're up to.  i think of most people on the road or in the mall as idiotic obsticles.  romance is basically ridiculous.  i wish people would stop being afraid to say that someone is black or brown, they are... it's NOT a judgement, it's a color.  i think the zodiac is true and real and predictive of personality. i don't go outside if it's below 60 degrees out except to go to and from the car because i HAVE to.  i hate walking places, not because i'm lazy but because it's way boring.  when i'm angry, i cry. i know that i can read every other page of a Franklin book and it will still make enough sense, that way i can read it to Sam faster.  if i disagree with you and i don't think you're worth agreeing with, i will tell you i agree so you'll shut up.  i hate small talk, i'd rather it be uncomfortable in the elevator.  my hair smells really bad when it's wet.

it's all horrible.  it's all horrible and it's all TRUE.  so when you wonder why we don't chat much, it's because i don't think you'll understand.