today i woke up and it was cold... and snowy... and i was cozy in bed. wait, wait... this is a little too "the night was wet and hot. hot and wet."
this is a story about how everything was shit today: "WHY DID I COME HERE? a tale of cancer, donor sperm, miscarriage, dead blastocysts, high-risk pregnancy and cat-fights."
but i can't tell you about ANY of that because it's all confidential. what i can tell you is that twice today (and not for lack of more problems, but for a surplus of "keep your head up, sarah!" internal dialogue) i wanted to remove my scrubs, write a resignation letter, and NEVER RETURN.
i've mentioned it before, that the other side of infertility, the side behind the pass-through window in the door to the lab, is emotionally trying itself. your fertility failures hurt me too. i won't say they hurt me as MUCH as you, because that would be STUPID, but indeed, i'm also in pain when things go wrong.
and it was hard for me going back to impregnating people after miscarriage... i was mad at THEM with they're super high betas.
some days i go to work and everyone's gotten pregnant with super little babies on their first try at IVF and i pat myself on my back. and then other days... other days include the aformentioned cancer, donor sperm, miscarriage, dead blastocysts, high-risk pregnancy and cat-fights... that was today.
this job already makes me question a lot of things i used to "know"... like that babies had souls at conception (obviously because sam has a soul and i'm just sure he did the moment he was conceived)... but then what about the embryos in my dish... do they have souls? 'cause if they do and i break one... did i just kill a soul? maybe embryos only have souls if they have potential to make a person, in which case those in a dish can never be people until they're in a uterus and are therefore only balls of cells. but what if they're INTENDED for a uterus in which case they are about to have potential by being in a uterus and in the meantime, have souls in my dish.
what if they're in the freezer though, for many years... do souls age while they're physical body is like walt disney's head?
people, AM I AN ABOMINATION, OR AN ANGEL? because i don't know. so when you add that crisis of person with the failures at work... i wonder why i'm doing this at all.
i suppose here is where i write the heartwarming passage about when we get the pregnancy results back and they're positive... or how when i watch the husband stroke the wife's hair while she's scared on the table... or when we get the cupcakes from the happy couple... but that's literally not what i'm doing. i'm telling you that sometimes, it's a struggle to do this job. no, it's not life and death (at least not for anyone over 40 weeks old) but somehow it IS life and death in their hearts and mine.
and the GUILT... the guilt for making my own two babies on my own abilities. it's no fair. i mean, it's fair because i deserve my babies, but it's no fair that they can't have theirs as easily. working at the job WHILE pregnant was awful. if they weren't feeling annoyed and angry at me, i was feeling that way on their behalf.
i guess the trick is to be thankful for the ease and blessings you DO have, and continue to help others get theirs even if it's hard on you. and to shut your face. shut it. so that's what i'm doing after i write this... shutting my face about it.