i just work here

i hate oprah

but i do agree that you should think about what you ARE thankful for.  this is in reference to her 'gratitude journal' crap. 

i like to complain... A LOT.  but i figure if you're going to allow yourself to complain, you have to recognize what's good as well.

so because i have spent 2 of the 3 days this week crying my eyes out for various, and numerous reasons... i'm going to just talk about what i DO like.

1.  the new book that punchanella is in is out and i just got my copy.  i'm on page 47-49.

2.  i have been on a mad hunt to find these pine cones i had last year that were scented with cinnamon.  i hate 99% of smells since i've been pregnant, assuredly including my god-damned aveda shampure shampoo and conditioner which i usually love and have to use on an every-other-daily basis anyway... so i would have expected to not require the cinnamon pine cones this year, but cinnamon and citrus makes me feel way less nauseous.  i had found them online but they were another not-shipping-to-canada item, but while i was in montreal, my sister found some and got them for me.  this instant, in fact, i am enjoying their presence.  p.s. why does the photo below look like something from a 50's cookbook... you know, over-lit and somehow not the real color...

3.  after 3 months of NOT seeing eli in any kind of real fashion, we are going away together next week.  eli's been studying for his comprehensive exams, WHILE he taught full-time, WHILE he did private jobs, WHILE he TA'd and before that, i was living in the bed sick so we didn't hang out too much then either... it's been awful... for him i'm sure, but for me, i've been completely without him.  next week the college is sending him to a conference in las vegas and i'm tagging along.  so while it's not a romantic getaway, per se (i hate romantic anythings anyway as you may recall), it is guaranteed time together, even if it's only the 6 and a half hours to get there.  las vegas isn't exactly my kind of town, but i have ended up there twice in two years now...  there's almost something you can't look away from there.  like a car crash, only more enjoyable. 

4. the baby is moving!  it has been for a little while now, but it's a nice milestone to get to.  soon it'll be huge and i'll be complaining that it hates my kidneys, but for now, it's a nice little gold-fish sort of deal.  

If I don't see you until mid-december, well... that won't be atypical, but at least you'll know i'm on vacation.  

"I'm taking a vacation from my problems!"

i have swine flu (i don't).

but i am getting myself all worked up as though i DO.

my husband and my brother-in-law were (are-ish) both sick with flu-like symptoms which i assume is H1N1, because i watch daytime TV, and the fear-mongering TV segments told me so.

i have a sore throat, and chills... and general bad stomach feelings which i have had since 3w 6d of pregnancy, so i am willing to omit those from my list of symptoms.  however, i still feel that i am going to be a) hospitalized and b) risking my pregnancy.

last time i was pregnant, SARS was all the rage.  i had occasion to visit the ER (thought amniotic fluid was leaking out) and had to do so unaccompanied because even HUSBANDS weren't allowed into the hospital.  i'm willing to admit that the general health hysteria level is lower this pregnancy 'round... but H1N1 is getting people all aroused regardless.

i don't think i'll get any flu vaccines, H1N1 vaccine included.  i never have.  i generally have high resistance to illness... figured i would while i was pregnant as well.  i'm surprised to be sick at all.  maybe i'll wake up in the morning, and all will be new and not sick.  maybe the air is just dry!  (my mom taught me how to rationalize to the point of whatever outcome you are either hoping for, or most afraid of... explanations in the intermediate are not generally thought of... either you're dying, or you're not even sick at all.  please remember to go back and forth between the two.  thanks mom!)

sam's doing pretty well at 1st grade.  he's not complaining that he has to 'learn' too much like he did last year.  he does mention that the bus "keeps [him] rushin'!" and he cannot understand why he's not allowed to talk during class ("we can't even talk until recess, mommy... and recess is SHORT!").  sam comes from a line of chatties.  i was forever in trouble for talking in class.  my seat moved in science (a class i LIKED) over 15 times (there were only like 20 desks).  it soon became apparent to my science teacher (who's name i forget but she looked hippo-ish on account of very rounded, firm yet fleshy features) that i was going to talk to WHOEVER she put me next to AND get all A's on the tests/assignments anyway.  her solution was to move me to another room.  i couldn't talk, but i also couldn't LEARN.  wtf.  anyway... my mother before me had 'chatterbox' scrawled over report cards and so i'm not surprised that sam can't shut the hell up while the teacher is talking.  the poor dear.  he's learning lots of french.  so far every time i ask him 'comment ce va?' he replies with comme ci comme ca.  at first i thought he just didn't know about being tres bien or mal even, but upon further questioning, i have found that sam is just comme ci comme ca to a fault.  he really is a little this and a little that, both bad and good.  i don't know if that's just higher order thinking, or if he's a little depressed at 6. 

eli and i went to a football game this weekend at Ford Field.  i'm not particularly into sports, but i do enjoy football as far as sports go, and i like spectacles so i got us tickets.  it was pretty great, actually.

last night i had a dream that i started using hospital equipment (without authorization) to get a look at my baby.  what happened was that i couldn't hear a heartbeat.  this is probably because i was using an ultrasound machine as though it was a doppler, but that didn't occur to me in my dream.  at any rate, i've begun in the last 2 days to be scared about losing this pregnancy.  okay, scared again... i was terrified at the beginning.  once i got past the miscarriage weeks (5 and 6) i was too sick to care WHAT happened.  now the baby is the size of a lipstick tube and has fingernails so it's a thing, and i don't want to lose it.  i don't want it in there destroying my life either, but i don't want to lose it.  i also have dreams about car crashes and a muslim woman cleaning up her baby off the street.  that was pretty graphic/horrific.  weird dreams are part of pregnancy.  also, you CAN scream in your dreams... but you will sound very unfortunate and spazzy and so it's best to not yell lest your husband laugh at the way you screamed for him.  eli didn't laugh, but if he were meaner, he would impersonate that yell.

so eli has finally, after nearly 5 years of trying, become a full faculty member at the college he teaches at.  eli is a bum, but he's an amazing teacher. ;)  i never knew that would be his best gift, but it really is.  the college had him teaching as a sessional, partial load, or part-time instructor for the last 5 years.  in that time, 4 full time positions have been advertised and eli has been interviewed for them 3 times.  but finally, they have given him the job.  i suppose it's because eli is the youngest faculty member by a stretch and the dean seems a tad... traditional.  but hard work pays off finally i suppose.  we're very pleased that one of us has hit the mark finally.  all the schooling, all the tuition, all the time spent DOES lead to what you wanted in the first place.  there's no more panic talks about moving to oklahoma or utah (don't ask), no more wondering how much more credit card debt we can take to get through a summer with no pay, and no more wishing the college would just hire him.  and more than that... eli gets personal satisfaction.

i have a lot of things i need to mail.  i'm not great at getting envelopes or stamps.  i usually steal stamps off of letters that have been sent to me but that weren't post-marked.  awesome trick, i KNOW!  but on the last package that came to my house, the stamps were taped over with packing tape (you know who you are) and as such, i have to go out and BUY them.  this shit is never getting mailed, i know how i am.

hope you had a great thanksgiving if you're in canada.  columbus day i'm not so sure about (genocide anyone?), but i hope your weekend was nice too.

if i weren't so tired, i'd be so scared!

well, this is totally not the internet's business, but i need to talk about it... so here goes.

3 months have passed since the latest in a string of two back-to-back miscarriages, as you may remember...

so this was the month we were able to try again... and we did... and i swear i dropped 45 eggs judging by how OVULATORY i felt.  i do have mittelsmerz on my right side, and i am quite aware of my emotional as well as physical changes associated with ovulation, and most importantly, i always ovulate on day 13... every month... like clockwork.  easy enough.

i'm fairly certain i'm pregnant, but technically it's only day 23, and i have no way of knowing that.  however, i'm convinced i'm pregnant.

before you say, this woman is completely INSANE... know that i have become pregnant 100% of the times i've tried... we tried 3 times, and i've been pregnant 3 times.  as well, working in a fertility clinic tends to gift me TOO MUCH knowledge in the area of attaining pregnancy.  ANYWAY, i am certain i am pregnant, not only because i always get pregnant, but because i feel pregnant as well.  i hate women who 'feel' pregnant before it's possible, but i do... and the symptoms of very early pregnancy are fresh within in my mind.

my GTPAL (gravida, term, preterm, abortions (surgical or miscarriage), living) is starting to look like that of a woman from the fertility clinic, with a whopping 3 1 0 2 1...  that little L is awful lonely at 1...  anyway, i seem to be easily impregnated.  you know what's interesting, a woman's risk of miscarriage of her 2nd pregnancy drops significantly if she is with a different man than from the first... it's nature's way of diversifying the gene pool, i suppose. 

the reason i'm so scared, is because i have sharp cramps on my right side (again) and the smallest, almost unoticeable, whydidievenlook tinge of blood was found when i went to go pee (for the 87th time today).  who bleeds on day 23???  me, both times i was pregnant and lost it.  i don't know how to do this, to be honest... to shed the fear of the miscarriages and try to get pregnant without completely freaking out.  nothing i can do but wait.  could be pain at the ovulation site... could be implantation bleed... but i fear it could be signs of a uterus not doing a good job with a new embryo.

coping mechanisms:

1.  i WILL NOT test before the traditionally ascribed testing day of ONE DAY LATE.  no more 5 days early with the newer, more sensitive tests...

2.  i WILL NOT use an old-model 'line shows up or line doesn't' test, because i obsess over the darkness (or lightness, as it were) of the line.  i WILL use a digital pregnancy test so that i can't ever see a damned line... just a yes or no in digital words.

3.  i WILL only test ONCE, i will not take one every 48 hours to see if the line is getting darker (in fact, see number 2).

4.  i WILL NOT drink, take advil, use a heating pad, or fight with my husband even before i know if i'm pregnant yet... all things i did before i tested the last two times, and all things i blamed for why i lost the pregnancies.

5.  i WILL NOT consider what might be wrong with me then, if i were to lose another one... because the tests came back normal, and my physiology is normal, so what in the fuck keeps making my babies terminate then?  WHAT IS IT?  see, i won't do that until i come to that bridge, hopefully never...

those are all of the things i can think of right now that i promise myself i will or won't do...

and lastly, since i've been SO exhausted this past week... here's what i did between 4 and 5 pm:

don't judge.

S

8 years and counting

hi interwebs.

today is our 8 year wedding anniversary.  while my dearest and i have had some weird years, i can say from the very bottom of my heart that i am SO glad we're married and that i never, ever want it to end.

marriage can be difficult.  eli and i met while i was in my first year at university.  i was 19 and he was 25.  in fact, he was my boss at a call center i worked at on campus, calling for donations to the school.  i was dating the world's biggest asshat at the time, so no, i wasn't single, but i was quite smitten with eli.  2 months later i moved to NY for the summer and ditched the boyfriend.  eli drove out that weekend.  i'd love to say we never looked back, but we did.

a few months into the weird relationship we had going, it ended.  while we were clearly in love from the start, we were both all messed up.

we stopped ALL contact.  but, 6 months later i had an overwhelming feeling that i needed to go see eli.  i literally missed an exam because i was so obsessed with the idea that i had to see him that moment (they let me write it later, thank jeebus... how lucky is that?).  and after that night, eli wouldn't stop calling for anything.

okay, THEN we never looked back.  after 6 months we were engaged, and married a year after that.

when my grandma was alive, she said to me "your Grandfather and I are lovers with swords and arrows" and at the time i was like, "whaaa?"  but i get it now.  banter/bicker/disagree was simply part of their marriage although they were very in love.  eli and i are similar.  it's different than most folks, but like my Grandma said, "when you get married you make a deal, and it's your deal and no one else's and who cares what other people think of your deal."  amen, grandma.  everyone's marriage is different.

now, because i'm so married and wise, i decided i would compile a list of the top 5 things that make marriage miserable and top 5 things that make marriage great.

TOP 5 THINGS THAT MAKE MARRIAGE MISERABLE:

1.  LACK OF MONEY

2.  lack of sex

3.  diapers with poop inside

4.  un-coordinating career aspirations

5.  personal depression

TOP 5 THINGS THAT MAKE MARRIAGE GREAT:

1.  surplus of money

2.  surplus of sex

3.  having a child together

4.  HUMOR

5.  personal confidence

can't tell you how to get any of those things, good or bad... but if you pull up your socks and accept that love is hard work, it'll fall into place. 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, ELI.  sorry i do weird things like put our marriage on the internet... love you!