i just work here

SURPRISE... we don't agree

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

gaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhdddd.

i went to my first prenatal appointment today with my family doctor.

oh my god, i am SO over the medical profession.

first off, eli and i couldn't agree on whether we should use physicians to monitor this pregnancy (his choice) or a midwife (my choice).  i'm pretty sure he thinks midwives are hippie herbalists from the patchouli-scented dens.  what the hell is wrong with him?  they're REGISTERED MIDWIVES, they go to school!  for the love of god, they're not throwing chicken bones to tell me about how my pregnancy will progress.

but whatever, i went to my first prenatal appointment with my family doctor (even though I have an appointment booked with a midwife for 8 weeks gestation, more on that later).

first thing she does is hand me a prescription for diclectin, without any indication that i am even nauseous (although i SO am).  then she gives me a requisition for my 12 week ultrasound for IPS.  IPS is integrated prenatal screening.  this is an ultrasound that, coupled with an AFP blood test, is supposed to tell you whether your child has down syndrome, trisomy 18/13 or neural tube defects.  but DOES IT?

according to the pamphlet, 4 out of 100 women are 'screen positive' meaning that they see a reason to believe that your fetus has one of the aforementioned problems.  yet they state exactly this:  "However, most women with a screen positive result do not have a baby with Down Syndrome, trisomy 18 or open neural tube defects."

WHAT? (and i knew this going into it already) the ONLY way to know conclusively if your baby has a trisomy (Down or otherwise) is amniocentesis or CVS.  Now you have to wait 7 WEEKS more with a screen positive result for your amnio or CVS which carries an associated risk of miscarriage, to find out if you have an affected fetus for certain and THENNNN you have to make a decision about what to do with the pregnancy.  carry it to term, or terminate... at 20 weeks pregnant.

eli seems to think we need this information.  he thinks that if we have this information we can make an obvious choice.  really?  is it that obvious?  we'd just TERMINATE our pregnancy at 20 weeks?  it's moving inside of me, and growing and been there for 5 god damned months... but we'll just terminate it.

is he EVEN thinking about the gravity of that decision?  do i think it's better to just not know, maybe... for me.

it's like when people want to get divorced.  they're sick of their spouse's FACE and they'd rather murder them than talk to them.  but FOLLOW THAT THROUGH.  you have to actually DO it.  you have to go through the logistics of getting a lawyer, moving out, separating assets, dealing with your children's issues, being a single parent, sleeping alone, and being SINGLE... all of that.  you don't think about that when you want to be with someone else and hate your spouse, but the reality is much harsher than your dream of not being married to a jerk anymore.

it seems like an easy decision... well we don't want a baby with Down Syndrome, so we terminate.

It's not a seamonkey the size of a poppyseed, eli... it's a giant 20 week old baby that weighs something and looks like a baby and is being killed and removed from MYYYYYYYYYYY body.  and Down Syndrome or not, that is a hard decision to have to make.  it requires forms and saying yes, and signing documents, and making an appointment and getting on a gown, and being given medications, and having a therapeutic abortion, and waking up wanting to DIE. 

if we weren't willing to risk not having a perfect child, then we should not have gotten pregnant. 

secondly, i DO NOT need this bullshit from my caregiver.  drugs and screening i don't want HANDED TO ME AND SCHEDULED FOR ME.

fuck that, i want my midwife. 

and eli is an idiot (sorry marylin).  maybe the choice is easy for some, but for me, having lost 2 pregnancies... i mean i don't know, i don't think i could terminate.  and all i've bought myself is 5 months of feeling horrible about my potential Down Syndrome baby coming soon.  what has it changed?

i just don't know WHAT to do.  honestly, i don't know.

be cool, stay in school.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii   graduated!!!!!!!!!

i told my mom (who is a professor) that i wanted my examiners to write A++++++ on a board, just like Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" wanted.  she said that's not the deal at a defense.  but i got pretty. damn. close.

i'm so pleased, and so tired, because since the day of my defense i've been working non-stop at the IVF clinic, and one of my patients today cried and then moaned and even SCREAMED during her procedure.  she should cut that out, i nearly dropped her dish of eggs.  chill out ladies... for your own good.

anyway, i have more letters to go with my name now...

i feel sickly disappointed about not being a grad student anymore.  i'm taking a good look at how to get back to being one again.  it's like people who are in prison, and get out, and commit a crime in order to get back into the horrible life that they at least know and are familiar with.  wow... that is perhaps the finest analogy i have ever made.

i am an utter failure

i have broken rules number 2 and 3.  in my defense, i thought of really good reasons for doing so.  really good ones that make a lot of sense.

what's left, god-damnit... 4, i'll never break 4.  rule # 5 i have almost broken.  emily asked me what an IVF lab could do for me if i were to miscarry again.  i pointed to her stomach and said, "your uterus." 

less than 48 hours until my defense.  i'm inconsolably grumpy.

COME-ON WEDNESDAY...  wednesday I'm going to feel like a new me... with  more letters behind my name that apparently employers don't care about.  should have gone to college.

 

i don't listen to authority even when i'm the authority.

i broke rule 1... and possibly rule 3, too early to tell.

i'm really not going to break rules 2, 4 or 5 though...  swears.

if i weren't so tired, i'd be so scared!

well, this is totally not the internet's business, but i need to talk about it... so here goes.

3 months have passed since the latest in a string of two back-to-back miscarriages, as you may remember...

so this was the month we were able to try again... and we did... and i swear i dropped 45 eggs judging by how OVULATORY i felt.  i do have mittelsmerz on my right side, and i am quite aware of my emotional as well as physical changes associated with ovulation, and most importantly, i always ovulate on day 13... every month... like clockwork.  easy enough.

i'm fairly certain i'm pregnant, but technically it's only day 23, and i have no way of knowing that.  however, i'm convinced i'm pregnant.

before you say, this woman is completely INSANE... know that i have become pregnant 100% of the times i've tried... we tried 3 times, and i've been pregnant 3 times.  as well, working in a fertility clinic tends to gift me TOO MUCH knowledge in the area of attaining pregnancy.  ANYWAY, i am certain i am pregnant, not only because i always get pregnant, but because i feel pregnant as well.  i hate women who 'feel' pregnant before it's possible, but i do... and the symptoms of very early pregnancy are fresh within in my mind.

my GTPAL (gravida, term, preterm, abortions (surgical or miscarriage), living) is starting to look like that of a woman from the fertility clinic, with a whopping 3 1 0 2 1...  that little L is awful lonely at 1...  anyway, i seem to be easily impregnated.  you know what's interesting, a woman's risk of miscarriage of her 2nd pregnancy drops significantly if she is with a different man than from the first... it's nature's way of diversifying the gene pool, i suppose. 

the reason i'm so scared, is because i have sharp cramps on my right side (again) and the smallest, almost unoticeable, whydidievenlook tinge of blood was found when i went to go pee (for the 87th time today).  who bleeds on day 23???  me, both times i was pregnant and lost it.  i don't know how to do this, to be honest... to shed the fear of the miscarriages and try to get pregnant without completely freaking out.  nothing i can do but wait.  could be pain at the ovulation site... could be implantation bleed... but i fear it could be signs of a uterus not doing a good job with a new embryo.

coping mechanisms:

1.  i WILL NOT test before the traditionally ascribed testing day of ONE DAY LATE.  no more 5 days early with the newer, more sensitive tests...

2.  i WILL NOT use an old-model 'line shows up or line doesn't' test, because i obsess over the darkness (or lightness, as it were) of the line.  i WILL use a digital pregnancy test so that i can't ever see a damned line... just a yes or no in digital words.

3.  i WILL only test ONCE, i will not take one every 48 hours to see if the line is getting darker (in fact, see number 2).

4.  i WILL NOT drink, take advil, use a heating pad, or fight with my husband even before i know if i'm pregnant yet... all things i did before i tested the last two times, and all things i blamed for why i lost the pregnancies.

5.  i WILL NOT consider what might be wrong with me then, if i were to lose another one... because the tests came back normal, and my physiology is normal, so what in the fuck keeps making my babies terminate then?  WHAT IS IT?  see, i won't do that until i come to that bridge, hopefully never...

those are all of the things i can think of right now that i promise myself i will or won't do...

and lastly, since i've been SO exhausted this past week... here's what i did between 4 and 5 pm:

don't judge.

S

potpurri of un-interesting crap part i don't remember!

it's that again... a melange of isolated points of non-interest.  excited?  moi aussi>>>

let's begin.

1.  lucy, you fucking stink from head to toe.  literally.  her teeth are 'falling out' which actually means that they are stuck in her gums and are rotting and making her mouth smell like a dead carp on a lake ontario beach.  and as for the back part, the farts, OHMYGOD.  lucy has 2 different parasites living in her gut.  she's been on meds since the 4th of august, and thankfully, the 'explosive diarrhea' the vet explained would shortly come is now over.  whatever the hellll her breeder was doing, or not doing, as it were to keep her alive was apparently ineffective.  poor lou, one of 16 thousand show dogs. she farts while she sleeps and she sleeps all day, and i want to throw up they are so bad.  i love her but, good god!  anyway, she stinks up my life.

2.  my sister is all married!  it was a really great night... we lasted until about 3am, although the bride and groom left well before that.  it's actually much more fun to go to a wedding when it's NOT your wedding.  actually, i HATE WEDDINGS, and i usually dodge them.  but this one was fun.

3.  Defense planned for first week in September.  THEN I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

4.  Baby? 

Short and sweet, eh?

HI Marilyn!

I don't have your email address for some reason... but I wanted to thank you so much for the birthday card!  It was so lovely to receive.

Hope to see you soon!

Sarah

good from far, but far from good.

That is how I will describe Pittsburgh... like a chick that looks super hot from across the room, but has a snaggle-tooth and go-funny eye when approached... just keep walking like you were on your way to the chips.

See how nice?  Well, WRONG.  Because A) there are no shops of any interest and B) you're not safe here, even during the day.  Incidentally, I've never heard so many people talking about being safe in my life.  Not as in, you're perfectly safe, this is a safe place... more like, 'just so you know, I'm a safe person'... which usually means you're not.  Every time we got into a cab, the driver professed to us that he was the safeEST.  um... wha?  Why do you even SAY that?  Whenever we'd go for a walk, it would become apparent that it was a BAD idea to continue walking and not go straight back to the hotel.  So we really learned about speed-walking while remaining assertive-looking. 

Also, the service staff is... interesting?  I know I come from a place where the first thing you say when you approach a customer is, "sorry!"  Like, "sorry!  can i take your order?"  or "sorry! do you have your keys so I can park your car for you?" or "sorry! are you done with that drink?" Also, we're really big on please and thank you.  A server can come to a table to bring over waters, and EVERY person at the table will say thank you as she sets their water down.  So I know that I have expectations about "sorry" "please" and "thank you" but aside from that... the politeness from the service industry in Pittsburgh was lacking.  I won't go into details, but y'all need to start being nice.  Those 3 phrases alone could make your city safer.  Seriously... people being happy as a result and not trying to steal your jewelry. 

One of the conference-associate events (of which there were FAR too many) was a baseball game.  Pittsburgh Pirates vs. the Milwaukee Brewers.  There was a 2 hour rain delay, and were were FREEZING AND WET...

This is Brenna (left) and I expressing our feelings about the whole thing.

But then we saw these squeegie-weenies come out and the cheering was deafening...

I'm telling you, these maintenance men were NOT messing around.  I have to imagine there was a fair amount of practicing these tarp/squeegie routines.  After they scraped off the water (pretty much totally ineffective in our scientific opinions), they then performed this very, very elaborate in sync walking with the edge of the tarp manouver, back and forth, back and forth again, then some breaking away from the line to fold their part... Then they RE-red-dirted the pitching mound and general bases area.  Who gives a shit if the dirt is old?  Just play!  Anyway, it was interesting to watch.  Other things we enjoyed were deciding if we liked the message that each player sent with their chosen music as they approached the field to hit.  Also, the crummy food... that was a guilty pleasure for certain.

The next night we went on a river-boat cruise... also conference associated.  Apparently, I don't like boats so much.  We basically stood there comforting each other while we tried not to barf.

Essentially, it was like most of the conference, trapped in an area with COMPLETE nerds dressed for the most part in laughable ways while we sat uncomfortable outside of the aformentioned dorks.  The conference centre was SEVERELY freezing. 

That night, after we held down our shitty dinner that was served on the USS Barf, there was a dance.  That's right... a dance for the scientists.  I shouldn't have to explain what happened that night at the dance, you should all be able to assume what scientists do on a dance floor... but here is evidence, nonetheless.  Now, I was trying to be covert, and I stuck my camera on a pile of sweaters, obviously strewn there so that their owners could go bust an AWESOME move, but suddenly a sweater owner came back.  You'll then notice the camera moves, yet doesn't turn off immediately... I really, REALLLY wanted to capture more of what was going on, but I finally gave up.

My sister watched it about 45 times. She loved how the lights are all on. In fact, Emily loved it so much and there was SO much to see, that she declared she could do a thesis on this video. If only you'd seen it in real life, Em. This really WAS NOTHING.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed my pictures of Shittsburgh.  Sorry, Pittsburgh!  Perhaps it was the crappy conference that clouded my opinion of your fine, fine city.  See... "sorry"... it does a lot.

And just to leave you with... Lou sleeping (that's ALL SHE DOES).

you think you're funny... don't you universe.

This is Lou.

Well, the breeder had her named Lulu... and we figured we'd call her Lucy, but Sam keeps calling her Lou which is the cutest thing ever... so Lou it is.

She's um... perfect?  I don't ever get perfect things so I know it's a trick.  I'm knocking on wood but here goes:  She's not had ONE accident in the house.  She sleeps all day.  She doesn't get upset if you put her in her crate.  She SLEEPS IN in the morning.  She snuggles whoever you put her on.  She doesn't overeat/beg/chow.  She's perfect looking, even.

WHEN'S IT ALL GOING TO GO TO SHIT?  I know this can't last.  Things aren't easy in this household, EVER... and everything we own/care for is cuh-razay. 

This week has been just a little toooooooo perfect, and I have to admit, I'm waiting for the bad news (please noooooooooooooo!).  Eli's getting a big job opportunity, I am graduating, I am getting travel scholarships for the conference I get to speak at, I packed my suitcase with everything I wanted to bring and I still have room, Sam is super cheery, the dog is perfect, I'm losing weight... it's not normal.  Watch me get pregnant and NOT miscarry!    Watch out now!

Anyway, Lou is fabulous.  I caved and got her a black Buddy Belt. 

Starting at 6am, my life goes back to crazy busy... but it's been a nice week, anyway.  :)

See you soon internets... with pictures of Pittsburgh (you're so excited!).  And thanks to the commenter from my last post, I also agree... penguins ARE super great. 

i have to do dishes, but...

1.  i mentioned sam's unwillingness to discuss his feelings to you... today we're watching charlotte's web (NOT THE NEW ONE, i hate that little girl in the new one... the animated one) and the part where fern saves 'yet-to-be-named-destined-to-die-by-axe' runt piglet.  papa is explaining how runts gotta die, he knows more about raisen' pigs and he's got half a mind to bla bla bla and i look over at sam, he's got his eyes gaping wide trying to NOT cry a tear.  so instead of saying, 'it's alright, sam' i said... 'man, this part makes me SO upset!' and he replied 'why do they DO THAT?'  successful round-about discussion of our feelings.  see that?  i'm learning. 

incidentally, i should mention that i can recite charlotte's web verbatim and NOT because sam watches it all the time (because he doesn't, i make him excersize and like, play intelligent games and stuff, swears).  even if i did, it teaches sam words like 'pragmatically' and 'articulate'.  do you think the things that spiders make webs with are actually called "spinerettes"?  and you know what, it's JUST LIKE REAL LIFE... because poor Charlotte spins to save Wilbur until she DIES, and what do people think when they see words written a web?  They think, wow... that PIG is great.  The pig?  Women get no respect; stupid fat little boys steal it.

actually i know all the ins and outs of Char's Web because i watched it all the time with my sister emy.  where was my mother?  anyway... we love to make it part of our daily inside jokes... like instead of saying terriffic, we always say T-double-E-double-R-double...and so on, just like the goose; or "family-amily".  and the songs... dude, the songs get stuck in my head like you wouldn't believe.  other movies that i can recite are:  beaches; annie; willy wonka and the chocolate factory; and dirty dancing.  i think i mentioned that before, actually. DAMNIT, i'm repeating stories now, i hate that about myself. in fact, here it is.

2.  i am off to PITTSBURGH on saturday for a conference:  the Society for the Study of Reproduction (SSR).  no hating, pittsburgh, but... PITTSBURGH?  last year when i didn't have enough data to submit an abstract the conference was in HAWAII.  my coleagues were booking their swim with dolphins (no lie).  well, i just confirmed my attendance at the pittsburgh event... a baseball game.  i don't WATCH baseball.  if you can tell me what's great in pittsburgh, i'm all ears... i'm sure there's something super great about it...

3.  Lucy is coming home Thursday now... she needed to get her shots to cross the border and her breeder couldn't get an appointment until tomorrow.  it's killing me.  in order to feel like i'm not doing so much waiting, i've become obsessed with dumb shit.  it's true.  the buddy belt.  you can click the pictures to see who that pug is and why it's wearing the coolest harness ever.  i spent 3 hours doing internet research into the buddy belt last night, pricing it out, thinking about colors, deciding what size my hypothetical dog would be when she was an adult.  honestly?  I CAN DRIVE ME CRAZY.  and yes, i DID buy one even though i don't have a dog yet, much less an adult dog.  How awesome is that pug? 

4.  One more month and then it's been 3 months since my last miscarriage... and that means we can start trying again in September.  One whole year more than I had originally planned.  I had one of the docs from the IVF clinic run a screen on me to figure out if there was some glaring error with my physiology.  I know it seemed a little silly, but anyone who has had a miscarriage, let alone 2 in a very short row, knows that they NEVER EVER EVER want to go through that again.  sometimes i think about miscarrying again... and i can't even think of words to explain that, actually.  anyway, the recurrent miscarriage screens she ran were "disgustingly normal" which I take to mean that I am superbly healthy.  :)  Anyway, at the risk of the loss, we'll try again in September, or so I feel we will.  Who knows what will happen in 2 months.  She's prescribed baby aspirin starting now, and Prometrium once I am pregnant.  I don't know what to do.  Do I take the prometrium?  I need to do more research into it.  In my gut, I feel that my hormones failed me... I feel like my corpus luteum didn't do its job, and that the placenta never had a chance to really dig in... my body just started shedding the lining.  So maybe the prometrium is the thing to do.  I wish I knew what to do.

5.  We had our first successful beach visit that didn't end in a sand storm or all-out fly attack since last summer.  It was unbelievably pleasant, except for the back of the leg sunburn.  BUT WHO puts sunscreen there?  Shit.

Anyway, that's my update to you before I leave and don't post for a couple of weeks.  BLOGGER, that's where I am.  I'll be back, with pictures of terrible towels and stuff. 

S