ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
gaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhdddd.
i went to my first prenatal appointment today with my family doctor.
oh my god, i am SO over the medical profession.
first off, eli and i couldn't agree on whether we should use physicians to monitor this pregnancy (his choice) or a midwife (my choice). i'm pretty sure he thinks midwives are hippie herbalists from the patchouli-scented dens. what the hell is wrong with him? they're REGISTERED MIDWIVES, they go to school! for the love of god, they're not throwing chicken bones to tell me about how my pregnancy will progress.
but whatever, i went to my first prenatal appointment with my family doctor (even though I have an appointment booked with a midwife for 8 weeks gestation, more on that later).
first thing she does is hand me a prescription for diclectin, without any indication that i am even nauseous (although i SO am). then she gives me a requisition for my 12 week ultrasound for IPS. IPS is integrated prenatal screening. this is an ultrasound that, coupled with an AFP blood test, is supposed to tell you whether your child has down syndrome, trisomy 18/13 or neural tube defects. but DOES IT?
according to the pamphlet, 4 out of 100 women are 'screen positive' meaning that they see a reason to believe that your fetus has one of the aforementioned problems. yet they state exactly this: "However, most women with a screen positive result do not have a baby with Down Syndrome, trisomy 18 or open neural tube defects."
WHAT? (and i knew this going into it already) the ONLY way to know conclusively if your baby has a trisomy (Down or otherwise) is amniocentesis or CVS. Now you have to wait 7 WEEKS more with a screen positive result for your amnio or CVS which carries an associated risk of miscarriage, to find out if you have an affected fetus for certain and THENNNN you have to make a decision about what to do with the pregnancy. carry it to term, or terminate... at 20 weeks pregnant.
eli seems to think we need this information. he thinks that if we have this information we can make an obvious choice. really? is it that obvious? we'd just TERMINATE our pregnancy at 20 weeks? it's moving inside of me, and growing and been there for 5 god damned months... but we'll just terminate it.
is he EVEN thinking about the gravity of that decision? do i think it's better to just not know, maybe... for me.
it's like when people want to get divorced. they're sick of their spouse's FACE and they'd rather murder them than talk to them. but FOLLOW THAT THROUGH. you have to actually DO it. you have to go through the logistics of getting a lawyer, moving out, separating assets, dealing with your children's issues, being a single parent, sleeping alone, and being SINGLE... all of that. you don't think about that when you want to be with someone else and hate your spouse, but the reality is much harsher than your dream of not being married to a jerk anymore.
it seems like an easy decision... well we don't want a baby with Down Syndrome, so we terminate.
It's not a seamonkey the size of a poppyseed, eli... it's a giant 20 week old baby that weighs something and looks like a baby and is being killed and removed from MYYYYYYYYYYY body. and Down Syndrome or not, that is a hard decision to have to make. it requires forms and saying yes, and signing documents, and making an appointment and getting on a gown, and being given medications, and having a therapeutic abortion, and waking up wanting to DIE.
if we weren't willing to risk not having a perfect child, then we should not have gotten pregnant.
secondly, i DO NOT need this bullshit from my caregiver. drugs and screening i don't want HANDED TO ME AND SCHEDULED FOR ME.
fuck that, i want my midwife.
and eli is an idiot (sorry marylin). maybe the choice is easy for some, but for me, having lost 2 pregnancies... i mean i don't know, i don't think i could terminate. and all i've bought myself is 5 months of feeling horrible about my potential Down Syndrome baby coming soon. what has it changed?
i just don't know WHAT to do. honestly, i don't know.





