i just work here

i hate oprah

but i do agree that you should think about what you ARE thankful for.  this is in reference to her 'gratitude journal' crap. 

i like to complain... A LOT.  but i figure if you're going to allow yourself to complain, you have to recognize what's good as well.

so because i have spent 2 of the 3 days this week crying my eyes out for various, and numerous reasons... i'm going to just talk about what i DO like.

1.  the new book that punchanella is in is out and i just got my copy.  i'm on page 47-49.

2.  i have been on a mad hunt to find these pine cones i had last year that were scented with cinnamon.  i hate 99% of smells since i've been pregnant, assuredly including my god-damned aveda shampure shampoo and conditioner which i usually love and have to use on an every-other-daily basis anyway... so i would have expected to not require the cinnamon pine cones this year, but cinnamon and citrus makes me feel way less nauseous.  i had found them online but they were another not-shipping-to-canada item, but while i was in montreal, my sister found some and got them for me.  this instant, in fact, i am enjoying their presence.  p.s. why does the photo below look like something from a 50's cookbook... you know, over-lit and somehow not the real color...

3.  after 3 months of NOT seeing eli in any kind of real fashion, we are going away together next week.  eli's been studying for his comprehensive exams, WHILE he taught full-time, WHILE he did private jobs, WHILE he TA'd and before that, i was living in the bed sick so we didn't hang out too much then either... it's been awful... for him i'm sure, but for me, i've been completely without him.  next week the college is sending him to a conference in las vegas and i'm tagging along.  so while it's not a romantic getaway, per se (i hate romantic anythings anyway as you may recall), it is guaranteed time together, even if it's only the 6 and a half hours to get there.  las vegas isn't exactly my kind of town, but i have ended up there twice in two years now...  there's almost something you can't look away from there.  like a car crash, only more enjoyable. 

4. the baby is moving!  it has been for a little while now, but it's a nice milestone to get to.  soon it'll be huge and i'll be complaining that it hates my kidneys, but for now, it's a nice little gold-fish sort of deal.  

If I don't see you until mid-december, well... that won't be atypical, but at least you'll know i'm on vacation.  

"I'm taking a vacation from my problems!"

i have swine flu (i don't).

but i am getting myself all worked up as though i DO.

my husband and my brother-in-law were (are-ish) both sick with flu-like symptoms which i assume is H1N1, because i watch daytime TV, and the fear-mongering TV segments told me so.

i have a sore throat, and chills... and general bad stomach feelings which i have had since 3w 6d of pregnancy, so i am willing to omit those from my list of symptoms.  however, i still feel that i am going to be a) hospitalized and b) risking my pregnancy.

last time i was pregnant, SARS was all the rage.  i had occasion to visit the ER (thought amniotic fluid was leaking out) and had to do so unaccompanied because even HUSBANDS weren't allowed into the hospital.  i'm willing to admit that the general health hysteria level is lower this pregnancy 'round... but H1N1 is getting people all aroused regardless.

i don't think i'll get any flu vaccines, H1N1 vaccine included.  i never have.  i generally have high resistance to illness... figured i would while i was pregnant as well.  i'm surprised to be sick at all.  maybe i'll wake up in the morning, and all will be new and not sick.  maybe the air is just dry!  (my mom taught me how to rationalize to the point of whatever outcome you are either hoping for, or most afraid of... explanations in the intermediate are not generally thought of... either you're dying, or you're not even sick at all.  please remember to go back and forth between the two.  thanks mom!)

sam's doing pretty well at 1st grade.  he's not complaining that he has to 'learn' too much like he did last year.  he does mention that the bus "keeps [him] rushin'!" and he cannot understand why he's not allowed to talk during class ("we can't even talk until recess, mommy... and recess is SHORT!").  sam comes from a line of chatties.  i was forever in trouble for talking in class.  my seat moved in science (a class i LIKED) over 15 times (there were only like 20 desks).  it soon became apparent to my science teacher (who's name i forget but she looked hippo-ish on account of very rounded, firm yet fleshy features) that i was going to talk to WHOEVER she put me next to AND get all A's on the tests/assignments anyway.  her solution was to move me to another room.  i couldn't talk, but i also couldn't LEARN.  wtf.  anyway... my mother before me had 'chatterbox' scrawled over report cards and so i'm not surprised that sam can't shut the hell up while the teacher is talking.  the poor dear.  he's learning lots of french.  so far every time i ask him 'comment ce va?' he replies with comme ci comme ca.  at first i thought he just didn't know about being tres bien or mal even, but upon further questioning, i have found that sam is just comme ci comme ca to a fault.  he really is a little this and a little that, both bad and good.  i don't know if that's just higher order thinking, or if he's a little depressed at 6. 

eli and i went to a football game this weekend at Ford Field.  i'm not particularly into sports, but i do enjoy football as far as sports go, and i like spectacles so i got us tickets.  it was pretty great, actually.

last night i had a dream that i started using hospital equipment (without authorization) to get a look at my baby.  what happened was that i couldn't hear a heartbeat.  this is probably because i was using an ultrasound machine as though it was a doppler, but that didn't occur to me in my dream.  at any rate, i've begun in the last 2 days to be scared about losing this pregnancy.  okay, scared again... i was terrified at the beginning.  once i got past the miscarriage weeks (5 and 6) i was too sick to care WHAT happened.  now the baby is the size of a lipstick tube and has fingernails so it's a thing, and i don't want to lose it.  i don't want it in there destroying my life either, but i don't want to lose it.  i also have dreams about car crashes and a muslim woman cleaning up her baby off the street.  that was pretty graphic/horrific.  weird dreams are part of pregnancy.  also, you CAN scream in your dreams... but you will sound very unfortunate and spazzy and so it's best to not yell lest your husband laugh at the way you screamed for him.  eli didn't laugh, but if he were meaner, he would impersonate that yell.

so eli has finally, after nearly 5 years of trying, become a full faculty member at the college he teaches at.  eli is a bum, but he's an amazing teacher. ;)  i never knew that would be his best gift, but it really is.  the college had him teaching as a sessional, partial load, or part-time instructor for the last 5 years.  in that time, 4 full time positions have been advertised and eli has been interviewed for them 3 times.  but finally, they have given him the job.  i suppose it's because eli is the youngest faculty member by a stretch and the dean seems a tad... traditional.  but hard work pays off finally i suppose.  we're very pleased that one of us has hit the mark finally.  all the schooling, all the tuition, all the time spent DOES lead to what you wanted in the first place.  there's no more panic talks about moving to oklahoma or utah (don't ask), no more wondering how much more credit card debt we can take to get through a summer with no pay, and no more wishing the college would just hire him.  and more than that... eli gets personal satisfaction.

i have a lot of things i need to mail.  i'm not great at getting envelopes or stamps.  i usually steal stamps off of letters that have been sent to me but that weren't post-marked.  awesome trick, i KNOW!  but on the last package that came to my house, the stamps were taped over with packing tape (you know who you are) and as such, i have to go out and BUY them.  this shit is never getting mailed, i know how i am.

hope you had a great thanksgiving if you're in canada.  columbus day i'm not so sure about (genocide anyone?), but i hope your weekend was nice too.

i am an utter failure

i have broken rules number 2 and 3.  in my defense, i thought of really good reasons for doing so.  really good ones that make a lot of sense.

what's left, god-damnit... 4, i'll never break 4.  rule # 5 i have almost broken.  emily asked me what an IVF lab could do for me if i were to miscarry again.  i pointed to her stomach and said, "your uterus." 

less than 48 hours until my defense.  i'm inconsolably grumpy.

COME-ON WEDNESDAY...  wednesday I'm going to feel like a new me... with  more letters behind my name that apparently employers don't care about.  should have gone to college.

 

if i weren't so tired, i'd be so scared!

well, this is totally not the internet's business, but i need to talk about it... so here goes.

3 months have passed since the latest in a string of two back-to-back miscarriages, as you may remember...

so this was the month we were able to try again... and we did... and i swear i dropped 45 eggs judging by how OVULATORY i felt.  i do have mittelsmerz on my right side, and i am quite aware of my emotional as well as physical changes associated with ovulation, and most importantly, i always ovulate on day 13... every month... like clockwork.  easy enough.

i'm fairly certain i'm pregnant, but technically it's only day 23, and i have no way of knowing that.  however, i'm convinced i'm pregnant.

before you say, this woman is completely INSANE... know that i have become pregnant 100% of the times i've tried... we tried 3 times, and i've been pregnant 3 times.  as well, working in a fertility clinic tends to gift me TOO MUCH knowledge in the area of attaining pregnancy.  ANYWAY, i am certain i am pregnant, not only because i always get pregnant, but because i feel pregnant as well.  i hate women who 'feel' pregnant before it's possible, but i do... and the symptoms of very early pregnancy are fresh within in my mind.

my GTPAL (gravida, term, preterm, abortions (surgical or miscarriage), living) is starting to look like that of a woman from the fertility clinic, with a whopping 3 1 0 2 1...  that little L is awful lonely at 1...  anyway, i seem to be easily impregnated.  you know what's interesting, a woman's risk of miscarriage of her 2nd pregnancy drops significantly if she is with a different man than from the first... it's nature's way of diversifying the gene pool, i suppose. 

the reason i'm so scared, is because i have sharp cramps on my right side (again) and the smallest, almost unoticeable, whydidievenlook tinge of blood was found when i went to go pee (for the 87th time today).  who bleeds on day 23???  me, both times i was pregnant and lost it.  i don't know how to do this, to be honest... to shed the fear of the miscarriages and try to get pregnant without completely freaking out.  nothing i can do but wait.  could be pain at the ovulation site... could be implantation bleed... but i fear it could be signs of a uterus not doing a good job with a new embryo.

coping mechanisms:

1.  i WILL NOT test before the traditionally ascribed testing day of ONE DAY LATE.  no more 5 days early with the newer, more sensitive tests...

2.  i WILL NOT use an old-model 'line shows up or line doesn't' test, because i obsess over the darkness (or lightness, as it were) of the line.  i WILL use a digital pregnancy test so that i can't ever see a damned line... just a yes or no in digital words.

3.  i WILL only test ONCE, i will not take one every 48 hours to see if the line is getting darker (in fact, see number 2).

4.  i WILL NOT drink, take advil, use a heating pad, or fight with my husband even before i know if i'm pregnant yet... all things i did before i tested the last two times, and all things i blamed for why i lost the pregnancies.

5.  i WILL NOT consider what might be wrong with me then, if i were to lose another one... because the tests came back normal, and my physiology is normal, so what in the fuck keeps making my babies terminate then?  WHAT IS IT?  see, i won't do that until i come to that bridge, hopefully never...

those are all of the things i can think of right now that i promise myself i will or won't do...

and lastly, since i've been SO exhausted this past week... here's what i did between 4 and 5 pm:

don't judge.

S

i spoke to a stranger in an elevator, and actually liked it.

what are you supposed to do when everything goes to hell?

i'd love to count it up for you, all the bad things that have gone on since the year turned... but i can't even name them all because some are scandalous.  but like, NAME IT, because it's happening in my life.

re: the miscarrageS.  i'm so fucking angry and i'm sorry about that word but god damn it am i ever angry.  I DON'T KNOW AT WHAT, but i'm mad.  i'm sure you've all been thought about in an angry way in the last couple of months, and i mean all of you; even all of you imaginary internet people, ESPECIALLY if you're pregnant.  i hate everyone and everything.  is that normal?  why am i so mad?  i lay in bed on saturday night, SEETHING with anger at one particular person (best not to hurt your feelings here, you... so i won't name names).  i still feel like you just DON'T get it, and everything that comes out of your mouth feels like running my knuckles down the kitchen rasp.  i can't even start thinking about it right now, it's making me re-angrified.  and no, it's not my husband... he's been almost... soothing throughout these miscarriageS.

i was totally fine with it, i cried for a few minutes on friday when the spotting started.  i cried and yelled at eli for an hour on saturday.  but other than that... fine.  mostly residual sad from the first one.  but today the bleeding and cramping started.  i was at school, being productive in order that i didn't have to feel like a lazy bitch in addition to a being a baby-killing machine.  i started to feel sad, but at 4:47 i walked out to my car.  as soon as i got into the parking garage, i started SOBBING for myself.  i was all alone and i was going to go home and be alone and i was in pain physically and emotionally and i was tired, frustrated, confused, angry, sad, sore... all of that at once. 

sam and i ate pizza from saturday.  then we dragged the air mattress up into the living room and watched 'muppets take manhattan' and at 7:30, the advilS finally started working and my mood improved as well.  ugh, thinking about that pizza made me seriously nauseous just now. 

sam still doesn't know about any of this 2nd pregnancy business.  i say that, but i'm sure he hears me talking but he hasn't said a thing about it.  i made the mistake of telling him we were pregnant the first time, and then had to explain that we 'lost it'.  just last week he brought home an abstract work with sad faces and the word "MOM" all over it which, when asked, he explained that the baby was so sad, because it was lost.  i'm not telling him i'm pregnant ever again until i'm 36 weeks.  his heartbreak was more upsetting to me than my own.  

sorry, eli is eating chips right now, and it's PUTTING ME OVER THE EDGE.  i have just turned on the TV to max volume so as to NOT be able to hear it, but i still can and it's making me enraged!!!!!!!!  is THAT normal? 

my only friend at school moved away this weekend.  only friend?  only friend that i intend to be friends with when i'm not at school.  friends are fine, keeper friends suck to lose.  i'm just losing shit all over the place, eh?  like i said, NAME IT.

fuck off with the chips! ALKDKJFA;LDJKFA;LSDKJFA;  like, ARE YOU DONE?

on the way down in the elevator from the early pregnancy unit to get blood drawn i was in there with another woman my age.  she asked me if i was on my way down for good news or bad news.  i said bad news and she agreed.  NEXT thing she said was "you know there's no one to talk to?  no one wants to talk about it, they don't know what to say and it's like a secret"  i felt like she popped an uncomfortable bubble and i sighed loudly, "i know!" 

anyway, i remember when i was reading finslippy during her miscarriage... i didn't know how i felt reading her blog.  i like her blog a lot, but i felt uncomfortable reading about how sad she was.  i guess it was because i couldn't relate, and it made me feel sad and you know... i was an idiot.  i hope you're not feeling that way, because i feel a little gagged this 2nd go around... everyone who's not physically miscarryING can just roll this fail into the first one and that's something they've been dealing with for 6 weeks now... but not me, and i haven't told pretty much ANYONE because i'm so embarrassed... and i just need to say things... or not.  i don't know.

i'm going to the DR on thursday.  the day i started spotting i was fierce about getting in for recurrent miscarriage testing, i wanted the full work up and the full treatment.  i still think something might be wrong with me, but i'm willing to accept that it was a fluke.  i've read that only 4% of women will have back to back miscarriages, WAY TO BEAT THE ODDS, ME... but still... i've had one healthy child, what could it be?

stick with me, i figure the upswing is coming, right?

between an A and a B.

i can't wait to take this bra off...

it's squishing the hell out of my up-above parts (as opposed to my down-below parts, thanks sex ed for 6th graders).  they're unusually jugg-ish as of late, which anyone who's ever seen my in a bra knows that that means my bra cups don't have extra flappy fabric in them like they normally do.

you MIGHT think i'm pregnant, but the pregnancy test i took on monday would suggest otherwise. sure sure, it was 4 days before my expected brush with my period, but the box clearly says that one might see a positive result up to 5 days earlier*  (*4 days before the expected period).

no, unfortunately, this bra is also squishing me in other undesirable places... i figure i look like this:

okay minus the tires for biceps, and the uh... no, the rest is accurate.  the bra is making some really, really lovely rolls.  ughhhhhhhhhh.

i've been starving, STARVING and as such, eating, EATING.  this  might also lead you to believe that i'm pregnant, but as it turns out... i'm just eating my feelings.  i had really convinced myself i was getting FAT because i was pregnant, but no.

um yes, i know that technically i was supposed to wait for "one normal period" before trying again, but piss on it, i didn't want to wait. 

you know why i'm wigging out?  a psychic told me last summer that i was going to have trouble getting pregnant, so much so, that i would consider, but then decline IVF.  HELLO IRONY, I DO IVF FOR A JOB.  you know, why does anyone even say irony, it's never the right use.  pretend i didn't use it. 

anyway, i'm not going to lie, so far i really, really dislike this whole 2009 business.  but i suppose that's a state of mind, and if i was any kind of woman, i would buck up and move on.  i'm going to really think about that and consider it as an option.  (then politely pass on it).

so who wants to hear something crazy?

all weekend i had light bleeding... but i was waiting for the big send-off, the real thing so i would know it was over.  dropped hCG levels, cramping for several days, and 3 days of bleeding... we were all convinced (we being me and a couple of health-care professionals). 

saturday my mom took sam so that i could just feel how i felt without upsetting sam anymore than he already was.  eli took me to a million different places to help me feel better, normal.  i didn't... anywhere, even though he tried so hard to give me what i needed.  but really, there's no consolation when you're losing a baby... and we both knew that.  on the way home i asked to stop and get a pregnancy test... just to see where my levels were, hoping to see a very faint line so i would know the heavy bleeding would start soon.  but it wasn't faint.  it was blaring. 

sunday morning i called in a favor and made one of the IVF nurses and docs listen to my story.  she sent me for bloodwork the next morning.  that was yesterday.

i waited all day for the results of the hCG test, knowing full-well that an appropriately rising hCG meant a viable pregnancy, or that SOMETHING was in there releasing the hormone and wasn't coming out.  I finally got the results at 3:30pm... and... i'm still pregnant.

i have no idea why things have gone the way they've gone.  lowered hCG with a subsequent rise but bleeding for 5 days with cramps?  i could have had twins and lost one... could be ectopic... could still be on its way out.  there's no way to know, but today... today i'm still pregnant... and i'm having bloodwork drawn again tomorrow, so i'll hope to see an increase again.

i'm still pregnant.  technically, and probably realistically.

i guess it's not over until it's REALLY over, and also, just because something seems a remote possibility, doesn't mean it's an impossibility.

now, we wait some more.

toilet nap

when i say i'm tired lately, it's not like when we're in the elevator together and i have NOTHING to say so i fake a yawn to make a noise and go, 'ugh, so tired!'  and you're like, 'i KNOW! me too!'  i mean, for real, I'M TIRED. 

i just went to the bathroom to pee (and to be clear, that was my only business in there) and i innocently put my chin in my hands because my head felt like 90lbs and then i WOKE up when i started to tip over.  i fell asleep on the toilet, true story.

I. CAN'T. LIVE. LIKE. THIS.

fertility clinic news.

p.s. this woman... PREGNANT!

potpourri of uninteresting crap. issue 3.

oh yes, it's time AGAIN... smell the potpourri, take. it. in.

1.  yesterday we did an oocyte retrieval in the clinic on a lady.  i found 9 perfectly lovely eggs and placed them into 2 different culture wells.  each well got a grade A egg (like the clique leader who ups the status of all the B-listers).  literally, an oocyte that you grade as an "A" should be placed along side those graded as "B" because whatever A is releasing could help the B's to mature.  my point is this... we put the sperm in the wells at 3pm (lovely sperm.  quite swimmy, quite a lot of them).  i checked on them this morning to see who fertilized, and GUESS WHAT.  none of them did.  that was heartbreaking.  hopeful mama and papa are done for this cycle.  how awful.  i know what you're thinking.  the sperm let us down... but no.  this is a case of older eggs... our patient is 41 years old.  don't wait ladies.  i know no one wants to tell you that, and i know society is an asshole and promotes us waiting until we are 56 to start a family, but there is TIME to make up career lost.  there is no time to make babies when your eggs are tired.  and no amount of technology can change a tired old egg, don't believe the propaganda. 

2.  IT'S SO COLD I HAD TO TURN THE HEAT ON.  do NOT tell my husband it is on, because he is a heat-boss.  whatever, i'm cold and the room temperature was too low. 

3.  the debate is on tomorrow night.  i hope you are all watching, and i hope no one is abstaining from voting (this includes my canadian readers as well!!!!  our election is Tuesday, Octobery 14th).  it's your right to vote! and your employers are required to give you time to go vote... extra break!).  i suppose now (potpourri time) is as good a time as any to mention that i am an american citizen, although i've lived in canada for the last 16 years.  if it didn't cost so many DOLLARS to get dual citizenship, i would.  so, i am following BOTH elections, but can only vote in the US election.  and i WILL BE because it's your RIGHT TO VOTE.  go vote.  anyway, debates.  i watched the first debate last friday night, and i will be tuned in tomorrow night...  9pm.

alright, i am on a quest to find chapstick...  i usually place it throughout the house.  i don't know if it's all walked away, or if it's because i'm too lazy and cold to get off the couch right now, but i JUST can't find any!

science chicken out.